Healing with the Blues with Dr. Tanya English | 039

Experience it and let all of the feelings happen.

Yeah. Because it's. The most important thing is to

acknowledge your feelings. That's what's running our bodies all

the time. This is the work that I do. And when I

said, okay, show me the good, that means I have to

look for it. So there. There's the impetus for me. Knock and

the door will be opened. You have to do the knocking. You have to look,

you have to seek, and you'll find it. You don't just sit there and it

shows up. You have to seek it. You have to look for it. So the

action there is. Let me see what's there. That's loving.

That's. That's for me. That's

supporting me in this experience of

my baby dying. Welcome back to another

episode of Resilient AF with Blair and Alana. With just Blair, but

not just Blair. Dr. I just want to say Tanya,

because I'm Canadian Tanya. Dr. Tanya English.

She's dedicated over 35 years to the healing arts, beginning her

journey as a massage therapist and evolving into a chiropractor

and an energy healer. She's inspired by the belief that we are all

born with the innate power to heal. Dr. English's mission is to

empower individuals to tap into their tremendous healing potential

for their highest good. She has so many phenomenal

accolades, and I'm putting everything in the show notes,

including her links. What is really cool that she's

also a singer and. Yeah, and what I.

What I think is before we dive into the heavier stuff, I,

you know, in the form. So when someone wants to be on the podcast, I

need to collect information, like their bios and their photos. And I have a

little section saying notes for Blair and Alana and. And it's really fun going through

them. And so I check them right before the episode. And hers is, I have

a theme song for Healing with the Blues that I could sing on cue.

Ready? So what about. Give us a little snippet

of that. Let's start healing with the blues. A little snippet. Healing with

the blues. That's right. I'm healing with the blues

I've got nothing left to lose that's why I'm healing with the

blues Such a pain inside

the love that's there for me I have denied

I've never had the blues this long, this deep, this

wide that's why I'm healing with the blues

I love it. Oh, you're just so talented and like, I love

your energy, you know, likewise.

Thanks. But I love blues like I'm really into, like, blue, like,

lately, the last few years, like, blues rock, and I'm getting more into

blues and, like, country, which isn't blues, but, like, kind of like dirt road country,

which is sort of bluesy. I don't. I love the blues. So blues is the

roots, and everything else is the fruits. Well, the roots and the fruits,

the rooting and tooting and bluesin and cruisin', you know. That's right.

But today we're. Yeah. I mean, I love that part about you. And, like, obviously,

there's so much more. And, you know, you're also a beautiful writer, and you're

gonna be featured in Resilient AF Stories of Resilience, Volume 2. And

it's such an honor. And excited. Yeah, it. It's just

such an honor. And so today we're going to talk about your experience.

Yeah. With the stillbirth of your first child. And

maybe you can share your story, you know,

leading up to it, and then walk us through that experience.

I was finishing up chiropractic college here in Davenport,

Iowa, at Palmer College, and I

was pregnant, and we were newly married and expecting our

baby, and everything was going great.

I was taking way too many.

Too many credit hours, though. So I was really trying

to plow through and get done so that we could spend time with the

baby. And that was really powerful part of the stress that I had.

But I went into labor,

and it just never set up quite right.

And it would start and it would stop, and it would start and it would

stop. And then we realized that

there was something really wrong. And the hospital. We were trying to

have the baby at home, and the hospital was just blocks away. So as soon

as we realized something was wrong, we went to the hospital

and they put me on ultrasound, and my husband

and I are sitting there looking at the screen, and we can see that

his heart's not moving. And we knew what

we were looking at immediately. And

I turned to my husband, Ed, and I said, okay.

Are we okay? And he said, yes, we're. We're

okay. And that was kind of the way it

started for me to really be able to go through

this situation. So, like I said, we were trying

to have the baby at home. The first doctor that came into the room

started blaming us and blaming the midwives who had never lost a baby

and had delivered hundreds of babies. This is the first time

that they had ever lost one. And

so she started blaming and shaming, and it

was really Difficult. My mother in law, who's a

pastor, was in the room and followed this

doctor into the break room and said, what is going on with you? These people

need help and you're making them feel worse. And she said, oh, it's

just been a really bad day. And these. These midwives are leading people down

the garden path, which is just a bunch of hooey, because it

doesn't really matter. Like, a baby's never been lost in the

hospital. I don't know. So she said, well, you're off

the case. And she fired her from the case. And

the next doctor that came in was named

Dr. Mim. And that was the name that my

nieces and nephews called my mother. So it was like,

doctor, Grandma's here. It was just like all these things that

were happening. So before this took place,

we had some foreshadowing of what was going to happen.

We were on our way to our wedding, and I was pregnant when we got

married. And on the way to the wedding, we passed

a church. And there was a little white coffin going into a hearse.

Kind of weird to see. And then we

were taking the birthing classes, and our

teacher said, I'm going to show you stillbirths. I'm. I mean,

sorry. Still pictures of births.

And she's like, wow, that was weird. So

there were little things like that that were just like, kind of

peaking my curiosity. Then

when I had a dream that we were in an

elevator that fell. Yeah. It was

very strange. Wow. Never had a dream like that before.

And this is. This is all while you were pregnant? Yeah.

Yeah. And then. And

then after we came home from the hospital, there were other things

that happened. But let me talk about what happened in the

hospital. Yes, please. So we were. I was lying

in the bed. They were doing all the things I didn't want to have happen.

Pitocin, which makes your contractions really

intense. Epidural, so you don't really feel anything,

which is not what I wanted. And they were trying

to get this baby out because I don't know the baby's going to come out

eventually anyway. But they wanted to, you know, force the

issue. This is medicine. And

so I was a little bit over drugged at some point.

So Ed would sit next to me and he'd tell me, take a breath in,

honey. Because I would exhale and then I wouldn't breathe in

because it was just a lot of work to breathe in at that point. And

I felt fine. But I was also drugged, so

I didn't know that and then as I was starting to come

out of this and the baby came,

my sister in law, who was a nurse, was on one side, my husband was

on the other, and they were helping me push and

it was just an amazing experience anyway,

but there he was. And he looked just like his dad.

It was just amazing. He didn't look that great because

he had kind of bruised face and stuff, but

he was our little baby. And we held

him and did you know he was. It was going to be a stillbirth.

I. I knew as soon as we saw the ultrasound. I said, okay, well, I'm

delivering a baby who's already passed. Did they tell you

it or no? I could see on the ultrasound that his heart wasn't working.

And the doctors never said anything? Well, they didn't have

to. I mean, we all knew what we were looking at. This baby isn't alive

anymore. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. Yeah, it was weird.

It was not the scenario I had planned on at all.

And there were so many things about it that it was just like,

well, I had never had a baby before, so I was. I

didn't know what I was missing kind of thing. So it

was very weird that way. You know,

you always try to minimize how bad things are, right. When,

when you're going through it. And the way I look at

it now, I don't think of it as a tragedy. I think of it as

a huge gift. And you know, we can think of things

as tragic if we want to, but that keeps us in the,

in the grief. And really we want to walk through the valley of the

shadow of death. We don't want to pitch a tent and live there. So.

Yeah, so, yeah, so you're holding your baby and. And then

like, what? H. Like, so I'm looking at. I'm. I have.

I'm having this experience and I hear this voice or I have

this thought that enters my mind. It's not my thought,

but it was. Do you really believe everything happens to the highest good? Are

you just saying that? I was like, wow,

okay, well, if I

don't believe that, if I decide not to believe that,

I can just check out a life. I don't have to finish school. I

could go live in a sanitarium. And I just started

thinking about that and I was like, I don't want to go down that road.

It's just too awful to think of. And so I started

looking for the good. I'm like, okay, so. So if everything happens the highest good,

show me the good. Bring it on. I want to see it. And I looked

over to my left and there's my husband sitting next to me, nurturing me,

keeping me alive, loving me and going through it

as well. And my sister in love, I call her my sister in

love. There with us, going through this

too. And my mother in law, my father in law,

a father, friends from school, two friends from school came over.

One of them held our son Eddie

and said, I, I'll never be afraid of death again because I've held

your baby. And just being able to have those experiences with

people was so

enlightening. Really enlightening. I mean, feeling lighter

about it and being able to

experience it and let all of the feelings happen.

Yeah. Because it's. The most important thing is to

acknowledge your feelings. That's what's running our bodies all

the time. This is the work that I do. And when I

said, okay, show me the good, that means I have to

look for it. So there, there's the impetus for me. Knock and

the door will be opened. You have to do the knocking. You have to look,

you have to seek and you'll find it. You don't just sit there and it

shows up. You have to seek it, you have to look for it. So the

action there is. Let me see what's there. That's loving.

That's, that's for me, that's

supporting me in this experience of

my baby dying within me.

Wow. Because as a healer and I've been doing

massage therapy for years and was finishing up chiropractic college,

I'm like, why, why is this happening to me? I

mean, I've taken such good care of myself. I've been

getting great care. And this happens.

And we decided not to go down the blame and shame route

because it's, there's no point. It leads nowhere except to

more bitterness and upset. That's a really, really good point and

reminder. And I just want to say thank you so much for

sharing. Like, my heart is broken for you.

Many, many different levels and many reasons. And I just can't

imagine, I can't imagine. I, I have a few people in my life

who are closer to me and closer as in like I've known them a lot

longer and they've gone through something similar.

And it just, to me, I mean there's, it's so heartbreaking

and, and it's

interesting because, like, I don't have a similar

story. And I'll talk about my. An experience I actually had

this morning, but something that I want to ask you

that. It's been coming up a lot in my life because I. I didn't have

a stillbirth. I had a miscarriage. And that was my only. I had one of

those, too. That was my only pregnancy,

but. Did you name your baby?

Oh, yeah. What is your baby? Edward Oliver. And we called him

Eddie O. Spaghettio Edward, because I'm Tanya

Lasagna and Ed, my husband's Eddie Spaghetti,

so we thought. Oh, Eddie. Oh. His name was Edward Oliver.

Oliver is a family name on my side, and we just love

that name. And we just called him Eddie O. Eddie O. Yeah.

And he. He was.

He was great. The nine months that I had him, he was very

efficient in his mission. That's what I say. He

got everything done that he needed to get done. And one of the things

that I talk about is the fact that

this breaks people apart and couples,

and we don't. Haven't had that experience. I'm going to show you

something. And I did a post on this the other day.

This is a tag. It's two pieces of copper. It's very

heavy. And this was melded together.

Yeah. This is Ed and me. This is what happened to us.

We cannot be separated because of this. And we're stronger together than

we are apart. Yeah. So I had a friend make that

for us. Wait, is your husband's also named Edward? Yeah. Oh,

okay. Yeah.

So that's really beautiful. And what do you have it on your wall? Like, what

do you have? I have it on my desk right here, and I just. I

have it here and I have a little seashell on it. Because I grew up

on the sea. I grew up on the beach in Jersey,

on the Jersey shore. And that. That's.

And I have a heart, an agate heart that's also sits on it too.

This little art. That's beautiful. Yeah.

Do you. Because do you. Did you continue to

have kids? So I had Edward and

then Eddie O, and then I

had a baby, Sam.

And that was like the perfect

pregnancy and amazing

delivery. I was in labor for three hours.

It was quite something. And he's 20,

going to be 29 in February. He lives in

Atlanta. He's awesome. He's very

intuitive person and likes to do lots of different

kinds of things. So he plays music and he can do massage and he

construction and he's an amazing cook. So he does all

kinds of stuff. Then I had a miscarriage after

he was about 18 months, and that was really hard too.

But because I had some idea in my head that

I. I don't know that I was some. I should have

gotten on a. A cruise that went around the world so that I could recover

from my miscarriage. I had this idea in my head that I

should be on vacation because you know what? I didn't get a vacation from

that. I didn't get any time at all, really. I had to

go back to work. So I think that

happens to so many women. They don't get any respite,

and your hormones are all over the place. We knew

it was going to happen. We didn't know when, because I started spotting. We

went in and the human growth hormone was coming down

instead of going up. So we knew it was going to happen. We didn't know

when. And it was a horrendous experience

just being at home and having that happen. But I want

to talk a little bit more about what happened after we came home from the

hospital. Yes, I. I think that would be. That's. I think that's going to be

really. That's an important part of this conversation. So let's. Let's div

into it. Yeah. The. So we come home, no

baby. My neighbor comes over. She's like, I want to see the baby.

This is part of what has to happen. When this kind of thing

happens. You've got to tell people and watch their face fall.

And I said, the baby didn't make it. And she had brought me

as a present, a living sage plant.

And I said, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to

tell you, but this is what happened. And thank you so much. And it was

very sad. And it was sad to talk about it for people.

And we were very sad, obviously. And

we had a candle burning in the house that we lit when

we came home. And about three days later,

I blew it out. My husband was like, I was just going to do that.

I was also taking a shower at one point, and I started to faint in

the shower. And he knew something. He just knew in his mind

something was wrong. He came in and he caught me before I fell.

So we were tuned into each other in a way that is

unbelievable, I think, and for a lot of people,

but to know that you're with somebody who you know what

they're like in the worst experience you can ever have in your life,

and to know who they are is a huge gift.

So I know who he is. I know what he is about.

I have no. No question

about his integrity and the person that he is. So

we get home and we're in the house. And we're going through this

grief experience, and we're crying a lot, you know, and people are coming over, and

we start getting really tired of being sad. You know, you get to a

point where you're just like, I'm kind of tired of this. We're both very happy

people. We like to laugh a lot. And at one point, we were

standing in the living room, and there were all windows. And the windows

faced the Mississippi River. And a blue balloon went

floating by the windows. It didn't go up. It went across

all the windows. Wow. And I thought,

that's Eddie. And I just felt this peace

come over me. Like, he's okay. He's just. He's a

balloon floating around. It's like. Like there was just this peace

and calm. And I said to Ed, did you see that? He said,

yeah, I saw that. We went outside and looked to see if there were birthday

parties or something going on around us. Nothing was going on.

This blue balloon came from nowhere.

Very interesting thing to have happen. We

also had a little dog at the time who

wasn't well trained at all, but

was really sweet and never did anything like

this. She got into the cradle that we had for

the baby, picked up a little lamb toy that we had for him, a little

stuffed lamb, and brought it over to me and put it at my feet.

I don't know. Wow. I mean, I fully. Like

there's more than the physical presence of us, you know, I totally, like.

I totally understand. I think those are so beautiful. Like, those signs

and those experiences are so beautiful. And, like, the fact that it brings you peace,

I think is so comforting to know

that, you know. Yeah. The feeling of knowing,

oh, it's okay now. We had to explain this

to our two little girls because Ed had two little

girls from his previous marriage, and they were waiting for their

new baby brother. And so we had to tell

them. And one of the things that we said is, you

know what? Everybody's gonna die. We all do it. It's not a big

deal. That's what happens. People wear out and

they die. Some people die when they're sick. Some people die when

they're in an accident. Some people die because they're done.

And some people die when they're really young, and some people die when they're old.

Some people die in between. Yeah. Just gonna

happen. And so it's okay. It's really okay.

And where do you think they go? Well, they go to heaven. The girls knew

that. So I'm like, well, yeah, that's exactly where they go.

Yeah. So we. You have to get pretty

philosophical about it if you want to move through it. So for me, it

was like, you know what? We're all going to do it. It's okay. I

mean, I don't know anybody that's gotten out alive. Okay. Well, maybe one or two

people. That's true. And I think that's

like. I guess, like, elevated human experience perspective

to look at it that way. And, you know,

I feel like we always carry the grief with. With us. It's about

how we layer the life. We. The life around our life around the

grief. And how did you,

like, besides these really beautiful signs,

how else did you move through the grief? Well,

I have an excellent husband, and he. We

were recovering and we were at my aunt's house and we were swimming in her

pool. And he goes, you know what? I bet there's something every day of the

month that we could celebrate, like, what happened on the 1st? That's

good. I said, my sister was born on December 1st. He's like, so there. We

can celebrate the first day of the month. What about the second? So we're coming

up with all these different things that happen on these days.

Our son was born on April 13,

and one of our best friends right now, he is.

Got the same birthday. And he's an awesome person. And I

love that he shares my son's birthday because he's so wonderful

and just finding things that you can be happy about

that you can say, you know, it's okay. The sad things

happen. I feel grief. I. I felt grief for

a while, and then I was, like, kind of done feeling grief.

And we'd have people come over and they'd want to cry with us. And I'm

like, I can't really muster that today. Well, yeah, in fact, we had a friend

that came over and he had. Had just had dental work done.

And I was so happy that he wasn't feeling well because I could care

for him and not have to have him care for me.

Yeah, I mean, that's a conversation, I think, for like, a whole nother episode, because

we can go down a rabbit hole about how sometimes other, like, in our deep

grief, having to hold space for others, which it's. I don't know if it. I

don't think it's fair when others project their grief while

you are in the deepest of grief, you know, if you're the main mourner.

I had some of that experience with my mom dying. And

yeah, it's. It's definitely an interesting one to navigate because grief

unleashes all sorts of layers of complications and

emotions. And. And that's why I do the work that I do as a grief

and resilience coach and an expert is working on the proactive approach

with. Here are the tools. Because it's inevitable that we are going to go through

trauma and we are going to go through grief and we're going to need to

use resilience muscle. So yeah,

everybody's going to have negative feelings. The important thing is to

acknowledge them so you can release them, not try to push them down so you

don't feel them. So I walked around in the apartment with

a buckwheat hull pillow because it was heavy and it

had movement to it. When I was feeling like I wanted to hold my baby

when my milk came in, that was a whole nother session of grief.

But it turned out that the sage plant that my neighbor had given

me. When you eat raw sage leaves, it helps your milk dry

up. Oh. So, okay,

great. I have this all taken care of. I mean, it was kind of amazing.

And then when we were really tired of feeling sad and we wanted

to laugh, this is what happened. We're watching TV

and a commercial comes on and the woman

says, there's nothing worse than a yeast infection.

And we broke out laughing. Oh my gosh.

Laughing. Oh, thank God. Thank God we didn't have that.

That's hilarious. Oh my gosh.

There's nothing worse. You know, there's nothing worse. It was so funny. We

just laughed and laughed over that and it was so great. It's.

There's so many. I love that for so many reasons. My sister and I

have this thing cuz like our mom dying was very traumatic for us cuz it

was quite sudden. And we have this like when something bad happens, which is worse,

this or mom suddenly dying? And the answer is always mom suddenly dying.

And it kind of makes going through life very easy, like very little fear.

It's like, well, I experience. At least I don't have a yeast

infection. Yeah, at least we don't have a yeast infection. Oh my gosh. I feel

like I can keep talking to you forever. So, you know you have a free

gift. It's in the show notes. You want to tell us a little bit about

the free gift? Is it the. The powerful personal

affirmation? I think so. Yes, it is. This is such a cool thing.

Okay, so one of the things that you learn is that your thoughts are going

to create your behavior, right? So why not think good

Thoughts. So this is a little mini class. It's an audio, but

there's also a PDF that goes with it, where I take you through how to

write this exactly so that you're writing about yourself in

the way that you want to feel. So you're using all these

adjectives, like juicy and honoring and all these

wonderful things that you allow yourself to think of, and

you end up with maybe one or two paragraphs. That

is your personal affirmation. And then after you write

it, you can always contact me and we can set up a session so I

can go through it with you and show you how to really turn up the

volume on it. Because there's some things that we can do that

just make it work, like 10 times more.

So it's a really fun little exercise that you can do.

I really love it. The powerful personal

affirmation is a great way to get your mind

on the right track instead of going down the negative

road that can happen. It's so easy to do. And you're just

picking adjectives that you like. I love that. Kind of like Mad

Libs. Yeah, it is. Kind of like madlets. Yeah.

And you're putting thankfulness in there, too. I love that. Well, I'm someone who very

much believes in the practice of gratitude. I have a gratitude practice, but

I feel like I could talk to you for hours. And I just want to.

Well, I want to tell you one other thing about. About healing from this.

Okay. So that summer, we went to the Mississippi Valley Blues

Fest, and I went into the 10th stage and my husband went to the main

stage. There's two stages. I went into the 10th stage because I wanted to

hear the Blind Boys of Alabama. They're amazing. And I

had a healing that day. Hello Kitty. I had a

feeling that day that was like something I had

never experienced before. I felt waves and waves

of love flowing through me. And I came out of there different

than I would on that stage. Like, when you're watching the music, I'm watching them.

I'm standing up watching them. Everybody's standing. I'm jumping

up and down, dancing around and feeling these waves of

love flowing. And I met my husband in between the two

stages. When it was done, he goes, are you okay? And

I said, yeah, I am really okay. And

Fast forward about 25 years.

My mentor in blue, singing Miss Gloria Hardiman, Alligator

Records recording artist, is best friends with the

last remaining original member of the Blind Boys of Alabama, because they.

They change. And she said, he wants to

meet you. I told him your Story. So we went and had dinner with

them, and there I

am with the men who created this

experience for me to have this healing that summer

that my baby side. And now it's 25 years later

and there's two guys still that I. I see them every time

they come to town. Two guys still that are in that

group that were there that night. And one of them

is the road manager, and he lives in the neighborhood next door to my son

in Atlanta. Wow. Wow. Yeah. And then

fast forward another year or two and I'm delivering

Healing with the blues in the 10th stage at the Mississippi Valley Blues

Fest with my band, the Tanya English Band.

So we've had these full circle moments that are just

incredible. And I think that happens because

I'm open to it happening. I'm looking for those things.

I'm looking for those miracle things that happen in lives that

say, yes, you're on the right track. This is good for you. Yeah. This is

what you need to do. And allowing all of that to come

to fruition is part of what we do.

Letting the negative go and looking and seeking

and going for the positive. Yes, I totally agree.

And I, I mean, I. It took my mom dying for me to be open,

so I completely get it because I'm starting to see these synchronicities and the

beauty and the signs and the, the, the. The full circle moments as well.

And I think that's a really beautiful message.

One final question for you. Sure. What advice do you have for

parents who are going through something similar like a stillbirth?

I would say cling to each other and

let source in. Because when you're both. When

you're together and you're. You're both putting your attention on

source energy or God, however you want, Jesus, however you want to look at

that, but you allow yourself to look at that and then look

for the places where there is love. Look for those

places. Look for the places where there's joy. Because one

of the things that happened for me, a friend brought. It's a boy

balloon to the memorial we had. That was the only

person that gave me a card saying, you had a baby. I

actually did have a baby. I had a little boy named Edward Oliver

English. And he's been giving

me gifts for the last 30 years. Years. In

fact, this year was 30 years. I love that.

Yeah. So stay open to the miracles that are there.

Stay open to that. Ask for it. Let it come in.

Yeah. Because when you start closing down, that's when the problems start.

That's beautiful. Advice. Let love in. Yes.

That's very beautiful. There it is.

There's so much there. That's why I say in the song, the love

inside, I'm denying myself. Don't deny yourself the

love that's there. It's there for you. Yeah, it. Yeah,

that's. It's just such beautiful advice for any situation.

I use it a lot. Well, thank you. Thank you so much

for taking the time to be so vulnerable and open up about one

of these, you know, darkest experiences us humans

can have. And I really appreciate you.

Thanks. Sharing. Yeah. And appreciate you doing what you do,

bringing all this forward. It's a big job. Thank you. Really good

job. And you're doing great at it. Oh, thank you. It's. Yeah. It is a

very big job out there. You listening to this? It's a big job out there.

People, please support us. But. Yeah. And to those

listening, thank you for spending some time with me and Dr. Tanya. She's

absolutely amazing. I can't wait for you to buy her book and read her story

and, you know, check out her links and get her gift. And get the

gift. Yeah, get the gift. And just know it's okay to not be okay. Life

is beautiful and hard and fun and sad and scary

and all the feelings. And you're not alone. You don't have to go

through it alone. We can hold hands. We are that lighthouse in the

storm for you. You are supported. You just need to ask for help if you

need it. So it's okay to not be okay. And just remember,

friends, you are resilient.

Afghanistan.