Kari Berridge and Aly Rice are RESILIENT A.F. | 044

Me holding that secret for that long was actually making

me really, really ill. And I had been sick for

seven years, but really sick for two. I lost.

I was down to 98 pounds. I went to you name it,

you name a specialist. I saw that specialist. And

they just couldn't figure out, I had so many tests, they couldn't figure out what

it was. I was limp, you know, eliminating different foods

and this and that. And as soon as the secret came out, I got

better. I got better in terms of the illness. Wow.

But she found out on that Sunday night and she found out

through doing a genealogy kit.

Yeah. So I got the phone call basically saying she.

She found out through the test that she has a 26

match with a female in Calgary. So that would be her

stepsister. Welcome back to another episode of

Resilient AF with Blair and Alana. But today hold the

Atlanta in Kari Berridge. Like

marriage. That's what she said. So Kari's amazing. I met you in

Vegas, right? Yeah, so we met in Vegas. We're

both at the same event. But she's also a fellow Canadian and she's a

multifaceted human being and she embodies resilience

and triumph over life's challenges. She's a dedicated mother,

proud grandma, accomplished fitness coach, successful

business owner and inspiring author. In her compelling book Cut the

Anchor, Carrie shares her powerful life journey, beginning with her courageous

confrontation of limiting self beliefs. Her story is a testament to

her unwaving, unwavering spirit which has guided her through a

tumultuous path of heartache and transformation. We're

not going to talk too much about the rest of your bio because you are

so impressive and it's going to go in the show notes, but we're going to

have a conversation. And I just want to start off by saying

thank you. Thank you for being here

and thank. You for having me to share my voice. Yeah. And I'll never

forget, I think we started talking like we were sitting in like the cafeteria

area at this event and, you

know, we just really, definitely connected. And, you know, you've been

through a lot of different struggles and you're going to be

featured in our book Resilient AF Skin Deep

stories, which is so exciting. And we're going to be featuring a tattoo. But

before we dive into what your tattoo is and the story behind that, I

want to talk about something else that happened. And that's about

when your daughter found out about a secret you had.

And now that she knows, she's estranged from you

and that Includes her three children, your grandchildren.

Do you want to talk a bit about that? Yeah. So

day of my life. I had been carrying around

a secret for 35 years. And

what that's, that secret was I didn't

know who her father was. It could have

been one of two people. And I

won't really go into too much about how that came to be because it is

in my book. But

me holding that secret for that long was actually

making me really, really ill. And I had been sick

for seven years, but really sick for two. I

lost, I was down to 98 pounds. I went to you name

a, you name a specialist. I saw that specialist

and they just couldn't figure out. I had so many tests, they couldn't figure out

what it was. I was limp, you know, eliminating different

foods and this and that. And as soon as the secret came out,

I got better. I got better in terms of the illness.

Wow. Yeah. But she found out

on that Sunday night and she found out through doing

a genealogy kit. Yeah. So I got the

phone call basically saying she,

she found out through the test that she has a 26

match with a female in Calgary. So that would her

stepsister. And so the man that I had told

her was her dad, her whole life was not her dad.

And I, I really didn't know it was either one.

And so

after I found out, I tried to take my life that

night. Yeah, my gosh.

And huh. This is hitting me today. I haven't talked about this

in a, in a while. So. Yeah, it was not a good,

it was not a good night obviously. But I woke up, I had

taken pills and God didn't want me to, to

join him that night. So I'm still here. And it was

about five days later. I had already signed up for

these personal development courses and they,

they basically I saved my life, but they helped save my life.

So I headed down to Calgary for the first one. And

through my journey of the last three years,

it's. Yes, I'm super sad that I don't get to see my grandkids

and my daughter. But I now want to live again.

And I've done incredible things in the last three years and I'm not sick

anymore. And my story is all about.

We. We all hold so much blame and shame and guilt and especially

as women. And it's toxic. It's just. It destroys your

body. It really destroys you. So yeah,

first of all, thank you for sharing all of that and Like,

I can't imagine any of that being easy. Not knowing who the father was,

holding that in and not sharing that find, like, finding out that

she knew because she did a DNA test. And the fact

that you attempted to commit suicide

and it wasn't your time and that you picked yourself back up and

got help, like. And I know this is just a

fraction of your story, and I think it's just so

honorable for you to talk about this because

a lot of times the people in our community,

something very big and devastating happens and they think about ending

it. And I

want to talk about that for a second. If. And you're able, you know, if

you're able to. Like, when you decided

this is the end, was it, like,

what was the time like, when you decided that to going to sleep?

Did you have time to think about it?

I'm gonna back up because this part is not in my book and I have

not really talked about this, but I will. Okay.

So that was on the Sunday, on the Saturday I

had. My daughter became estranged from me about three

years before. And it was right in the time when my. My

sister was going through her cancer journey and.

And my daughter's not young. Like, she'll be. She'll be 38 in.

In December. So

it was just not a good time that she became estranged for me the first

time. But we went to counseling and everything, and. And

then we were good and. But on.

There were some things that were happening, and I was just thinking, like,

I. I just felt on edge a lot when I was with her, and I

didn't know, like, what I was doing wrong or, you know, I was always thinking

it was me. So on the Saturday, I had.

It's too long of a story, but I. So I'll just brief. But I had

gone to this CrossFit gym because I was going to join it because

her and her husband were joining it. She was

extremely mad at me, didn't want me to join it. We kind of

had a. She was yelling at me outside, and I

said, no, no, no worries. And I was faking that I was okay. I went

back in and I canceled my membership. And I said, no, no, it's okay. I.

I won't join. And I went home

and I was done. I was done being

everyone's punching bag. I was done.

I was just done. That's the only way I can explain it. I was done

with being here. And so I had a

friend who had been suicidal

throughout his life. And when I say friend, I'm gonna say

Loosely I thought he was a really good friend. I called him over

and I called him and I said I'm not doing well, I need you

to come over. And he said do you need me right

now or you know, because I'm out of thing.

I said I'm going to go, I'm going to leave my house. So I'm not

here. I'm going to go to a movie and I'll be back at 5. Can

you come at 5:05? Because I knew I wasn't good. He came over,

I cried for two hours and in that two hours I

told him 12 times that I was going to end my life

that night. And at the end of the two hours of crying and telling

him everything because it was like a lot of stuff was going on in my

life right, right then. Not just, not just that there was a lot going

on. He stood up and screamed at me at

the top of his lungs, said I can't handle you

right now and walked out the door. Oh

my gosh. Yeah. So

I cried myself to sleep. It was not a good night

and it was everything I could do not to end my life that night. And

so then the next day my daughter had text me and said

I know you're teaching piano right now, but I need to talk to you. It's

not about yesterday when we had had the fight, but

I just, I was always the mom that dropped everything for her

kids and I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. I said I have

a meeting tonight. Which I did. Said I have a meeting tonight. I'll text you

when I'm done. Well, it was during that time frame

that she found out. So she didn't know when she text me

but she had some questions. And then it was

when I got out of my meeting it there was a message saying call

me now. And I called her and I don't remember it was a 30 minute

drive home. I don't remember the, the drive home. I was just

bawling, telling her everything. It just because nobody had. I had

never told anybody that 35 that secret for

35 years not one person knew. So it all just fell

out. Everything about, you know, the,

the secret. And so when I got home I was still talking

to her and I was sitting on the back of my like my back step

inside the house. And, and, and then as soon

as we hung out she said I need time. And

I said absolutely, take your time. But I knew, I knew that

meant I'll never see her again. I Just knew it. So we hung up. I

phoned my son, I have twins and I'm really close to the one. I phoned

him and I said, I love you. I'm proud of you.

I'm so glad you're my son. And I hung up. I phoned his

wife and I said, same thing. So proud of you. I'm

so grateful that you're my daughter in law. I love you. And I hung

up and I walked upstairs and I don't know what I

was thinking, but I. Well I. I deadbolted both my doors,

my front door and back door. I went upstairs and I pushed a set of

dresser drawers in front of my bed at my door. I don't know what I

was thinking. Maybe it would, it would be harder for them, whoever to get

in to save me. I don't know. And then I just pulled out

my. Opened up my drawer, my nightstand

and I took, Took the bottle of pills. So to answer your question,

I was very like it was right away, but it had led

the day before. What had happened had led up to. I just didn't. I

honestly didn't think anyone cared about me. I. After what

my friend did, and I won't use names but after he did what he did

the day before and then after my daughter, I just thought there's not

one person that would even care if I was

dead. I would care. Oh, I know now. I.

Oh, this is hard. I haven't like I said, for a year. I know. I

now know that I have. It's. It's heavy. A ton of

people in my corner. I, I now know that. Yeah, yeah,

I have a ton of people that care. I. I just want to acknowledge

that like, I know it's not

easy to talk about this and I am so sorry

you went through this. Like, my heart is broken for you and I'm

really happy it didn't work because you

weren't done your assignment here, you know, on earth. And so you take the

pills, you think you're going away forever and you

wake up. What happened right when you like you opened your eyes. Like, was that

a shock? Like what. Tell me about like when you woke up. What that was

like. Yeah, so I woke up and I was like really groggy

and there were some pills kind of like that I hadn't taken. I guess

they'd fall like they'd fallen on the floor, but I was

like really groggy and

I just laid there for I don't know how long, realizing that

I was still alive and

I did not tell anyone. I did not tell anybody.

So that was on the Monday. And I knew I was heading down

to Calgary on the Thursday. And so I didn't

talk to anyone for four days. I felt really sick on the first day.

And then it was everything I could do to get into the

car and drive down. But when I got down there on the

Thursday night, so. So basically

something broke inside of me. I come from a long line of secrets.

Just a long line of secrets. And something broke inside of me

that I was done with secrets. I was just

done with secrets. And when I got down to my mom

and dad's house, and I'm very. I don't share anything with them, but

on that Thursday night, they were downstairs watching TV when I got there and I

went down and I asked if we could turn the TV off for a second

and I told them. I told them what I had done, told them what

happened. And I have. From

that moment on, I've. Everybody knows everything. And

that maybe, maybe there's a time to hold things in. But

not for me, not. Not right now. I'm very, very open about.

I'm an open book now. And that's when I decided to write my book

and to leave the legacy of the secrets end with

me. Yeah. And like, breaking that intergenerational, like,

trauma is so important. And like, thank you again for

explaining what it was like when you woke up and, you know,

realizing that you were still here. And I can't imagine what that would have been

like and

still having to navigate life that you thought you were leaving behind.

And, you know, that was a

few years ago. Three years. It'll be three years of September.

Yeah. And so. So right now we're recording. It's, you know,

ago to now. What do you think some of the biggest, like, differences are

in your mental health? Oh, so much.

I am so. I. Every day I'm grateful that I'm here.

Every single day I'm grateful I'm here. Yeah. I realize

I have so many friends and so many people that love

me, so many people that support me, even if it's like on the sidelines

and they, you know, they're not outwardly there, but I know

that they're there. I have helped

so many people so far with my first book, Cut the

Anchor. I've spoken on stages with that book. I've, you know,

given many speeches at Toastmasters.

And then of course, I've written a second book. But I have just shared my

story with so many people, and I have

gotten incredible feedback that

people have gone through the same exact thing, or

if it's not the exact same thing, very similar things. And

that I've helped show them that you can. You can

move on. And I don't

hold any ill will towards my daughter. I really don't. I've have. I definitely have

sad moments. Yeah. You know, because

I just saw a picture of my oldest grandson. He'll be starting grade nine,

and the last time I saw me was starting grade six. And he's taller. His

hair is a different color. He looks totally different. And of course, I had a

little cry because I. I lost those three years. But

I have no. She's going through her journey. That's the other thing a lot of

people haven't really understood about me is why I'm not super angry

and. And bitter. I have no room to be bitter.

And I did, you know,

I did something to her. Not on purpose,

but still, it affected her. And so she's

on her journey, and I can't. There's nothing

I can do about it. I can just be here for. If they ever

come back. And that was a huge thing. And that's a

really beautiful perspective. And, like, I really hope she comes back because she's so

lucky to have a mom that's alive because, well, mine is not.

In the meantime, I'm just a couple years older than her. Do you need

an extra daughter? But I think. I think, you know, the

perspective is really important because in healing, what I've really learned is, like, I'm getting

control of me. I can't control anyone else, but I can control how I am

and how I behave and how I act. And that's really, like, lifted a lot

of heaviness off my shoulders. And it seems like you're doing the same. And I

think, you know, with you showing up authentically and making

things right in the way you can and being honest, writing your

books, speaking about it, you know, it's clearing that heaviness.

And, you know, I. I'm. I'm excited to follow along your journey

and, you know, see where things end up. And, you know,

everything we spoke about today, it's really heavy. So I just want to say, before

we kind of transition to your tattoo, if you are listening

to this and you can relate to Cari or you

are in that place of thinking of ending it, please

reach out to either of us. Like, you are not

alone. Like, we need you here. Like, you're not done yet. And like, you will

get through it. You will get through it. So. So, you know,

we want to hear your story. We want to be here for you. We want

to hold you and hold space for you. So please, like,

please connect if. If you need support. As a reminder, I'm a

grief and resilience coach, so I'm here to actually help support you

in that. And I want to thank you for sharing all that, because I. I

can't imagine it being easy to share about some of your lowest moments or what's

happening in your fa, you know, family system.

So you're going to be featured in Skin Deep Stories, which comes out December,

what. Tell me about your tattoo. Yeah, so

I got it. My sister unfortunately

passed from lung cancer, and she

was just an absolutely beautiful soul. And so I got a tattoo for her,

and it just. It says we only part to meet again. And it's a

butterfly. And I had asked her. I have a couple,

you know, great stories about that. I had asked her to come back as a

butterfly. And this is.

I haven't quite figured this part out. So she was still alive when I

ran a race. She was going through her cancer journey at the time. And I

ran a race. It was a. It's an ultramarathon

race. It's a down in the Crow's Nest Pass, and I

was getting ready to run my leg of it, and this butterfly

came and sat on my backpack,

and it stayed there for an hour and a half, and

people kept coming by going, what's with the butterfly? Now, she wasn't passed

yet, but there's got to be some. Something about that. So that was

super cool. And then I was in

Mexico. It was. Would have been maybe

three years after she past. And the people that I was with, I had told

them about the butterfly. And I was doing a.

I was. I'm scared of heights and. Or I. I'm working on it.

So my. My fear is less. And I was doing a

cenote jump, like a. A zip line into water.

And So I was 80ft up. So really scary. And I did

it. And then the lady swam over to me and she goes, oh,

your sister was with us. I said, what do you mean? And she said, a

blue, blue. A blue butterfly flew underneath. You

flew the whole time you were ziplining. And then as soon as you jumped,

the butterfly flew away. And there was no. We didn't

see any other butterflies that whole day. And then

six months later, I was in again. One of the personal development courses,

because I took four of them. I was in. I believe it was Texas, and

I was doing a high wire thing again,

getting over the fear, but I was still a little bit afraid and. And

nobody knew about the butterflies. So I did. Did my

thing, touched the. The tree, and then I

came down and then the whole group, I think there was 10 of us, they

all ran over to me and they said, we haven't seen any,

like, butterflies or bugs or anything this whole trip,

but there was this blue butterfly that flew underneath you the whole time,

and then as soon as you came down, it flew away.

And so that's why I just love my butterfly tattoo for her,

and I love it. That's beautiful. What's your

sister's name? Dory. Dory. Yeah. Well, may

Dory's memory be a blessing. And can you repeat the quote on the Dory

tattoo? We only meet or. Sorry. We only part

to meet again. I love that.

I love, like, I love the. The butterflies and, like, the tattoo and

the quote. And I think what's really cool about that is I think a lot

of people who' experience loss resonate with, like, something

like butterflies or bumblebees or

birds. And, you know, I definitely do, but I think how specific

that is and where the blue butterfly shows up is so beautiful. And I. I

know you're going to talk more about that in your story, so I

think that's really awesome. And what a beautiful way to honor Dory.

Yeah. So before we wrap up,

you know, you've. You've had a whole big journey. We only covered, like, some of

it. Yeah. Because we don't have, you know, we don't have. I mean, we do

have time, but. We don't have time. You know, out of everything you've

navigated and, like, where you are now. What is your advice

for someone going through something similar? Maybe

facing estrangement with a family member or losing their sister

or contemplating ending it all? You are

not alone. And even, like, I thought I had a friend

on the Saturday, and I didn't. If you reach out to someone and

they're not the right person, there is somebody that cares.

There is always somebody that cares. You are not alone.

That is, you know, one of my. My biggest

pieces of. I don't. I don't like advice, but that is that I would

say that. Yeah. And like you said earlier, if

you really think you're alone, please, please reach out to me.

Or like you said yourself, I am. I am here for

anybody that wants to talk. Yes, you are not

alone. You are not alone. Not alone. You're not alone.

Even when you think you are at the darkest,

deepest despair. Somebody, somebody. I

guarantee somebody cares. They just don't know what you're going through. You have to

reach out. That's great advice. And now I have one side

quest question. The movie you went to before, you

had your friend, ex friend, meet you at 505, what movie was

it? You know what? I don't even. I do not even remember.

Wow. I don't. I just knew I needed to be out of the

house. Yeah. Yeah. That was just my adhd.

I'm like, I wonder what movie it was. Yeah, I have no

idea. Wow. You know, it's so interesting, like, when you're

going through something how, like, I've been in trauma where, like, I fully blacked out

and, like, months are missing. Right. And.

Yeah. It's like your body's protecting you. Oh, 100. My body

has protected me for my whole entire life. There's things that are coming out now

that. Yeah. That I had blocked out

for years and years and years. Sounds like you have a lot more books coming.

Yes, I do. So if you want to read

the first few chapters of Kari's book, she's giving it away in

the show notes, or you can purchase it, which would also be really

awesome for her because we love to support our community. So cut. The anchor is

available. Where do you. Where can you buy the book? On my website. So

fit two with the number two fitt2motivate.net

Amazing. And all those links are below in the show notes. So thank you so

much for joining us today. Thank you so much for having me

and letting me share my voice always. And to everyone

who tuned in for another episode of our podcast, thank you. Thank you

for trusting us with your time and your energy. Thank you for

being you and for being here. And like Kari and I both spoke about, you

are not alone. You don't have to walk the hard stuff

alone. We are here to do it for you, with you.

Let us be that lighthouse in the storm. And remember, you

are resilient af.

Welcome back to another episode of Resilient AF with Blair and

Alana. But you may notice that Alana is not here with me today unless you're

listening because you can't see with your ears. You could read with your ears, but

you can't see with your ears. And if you can, that's cool. But I'm here

today with Aly Rice. Aly Rice is a

resilience and reinvention expert, expert Coach, host of

two podcasts, and a motivational speaker. She spent

over 20 years as a corporate interior designer before being thrust

into her new life. It was a short. In a short span of time,

she endured the profound losses of both parents, her beloved dog, and a

deeply personal betrayal that shattered her world. At her

breaking point, she made a pivotal choice to rise, reclaim her

voice, and rebuild from the inside out. She is an ACC

credited coach through the International Coaching Federation,

Certified Imposter Syndrome Coach practitioner, and Certified Success

Principals Facilitator, trained by the one and only Jack

Canfield. She's the host of Sex, Lies and Tacos,

the podcast. And this Could Get Messy, the podcast.

She's also the creator of the Survival to Thrival guide, which is absolutely

amazing. And when she's not focused on helping women navigate the chaos

of changes, silence their inner critics, and create lives that are

fully their own, you can find her exploring new places,

paddle boarding on the water, out for a walk with her dog Poppy, or meeting

me for coffee because we live down the highway from each other.

Welcome, Ally. Thank you so much. Wow, that's quite

an intro. It's a mouthful, you know. What is? It's so

funny. So podcasting works. So people have podcasts for many

reasons. For me, this podcast, plus our other one,

it was used to be called Radical Resilience, but we rebranded, which it still

exists, but we don't have new episodes because now it's Resilient af.

But we created this as a place and a platform

for people to share their stories of resilience, to help people strengthen their resilience

muscles, to be that lighthouse in the storm.

But a lot of people start podcasts for marketing, which essentially this does

marketing and my background, my. My first love

is marketing and public relations. I've been doing it for two decades.

And podcasting is a brilliant way to do that, being a guest or

having your own show. And Aly, do you want to share how

you learned about the Global Resilience Project and then the synchronicities about, like,

how our relationship evolved? Yes. Well,

actually it was. Of course,

I created my podcast. My podcast, Sex, Eyes and Tacos.

And. And I was interviewed on another podcast and I

shared the name of my. My podcast, which then drew some listeners.

And somebody reached out to me after listening to that original

podcast and then mine, and she's like, one of

my. My episodes is called Resilient af. And

this listener reached out to me and said, oh, my God,

you need to get in connection with Blair. She has

A podcast called Resilient af. She has books called Resilient

af. And you are the founder of the Global Resilience

Project. And so I was like, wow, I better check this person out.

And she also referenced Get Griefy, the

magazine. And so I did a little bit of research

about you and I was like, wow, this Blair person,

she seems, she's kind of living this life

that I'm trying to create. I really need to reach out to her.

And so I did reach out to you. Initially, I

didn't realize that we just lived down the highway from each other, but

it was. What that means is like, we're like an hour and a half, ish,

two hours away from each other. Yeah. But the person that reached out to me,

I think she lives in the United States. Like, she. I don't

share where I live. You're not really super explicit about where you live. So

it's just I don't believe in coincidences. And I

believe that we. We were brought into each other's

lives for a reason. And I'm so grateful that,

that I learned about you because you're a pretty cool person, so. Well,

you're pretty cool. And like, so I just want to say on my end, like,

it was really cool to connect when I first connected with you because we worked

together on something else. But learning about you and your

story and that you were so close, we actually had the privilege of meeting this

small spring. Was it, or was it summer every day? Yeah,

June, spring, summer. And we actually had the privilege of meeting in person

and it was awesome. And knowing that we live so close to each other,

like knowing that we can see each other more frequently, it's amazing. And

getting to introduce you in person to other co authors that

have been in past books and your book. And it's just really cool when

we meet people who are on similar paths that live in the same area because

our network, it's the Global Resilience Project, we have people in Ghana, we

have people in Romania, all over the US but it's really cool when

you're in the same region and we can just like hop in the car and

see each other. So super grateful for the universe putting us in the same

place. And you know, your story, part of

your story, because you have a very big story, is going to be featured in

Resilient AF Skin Deep Stories, which comes out this December 1st,

first week of December. Tell me about your tattoo.

Sure. So it's a tattoo that is down my spine

and it is. It's just Simple. It's script, and it

says, let it hurt, let it bleed, let it heal, and let it

go. So I, as you

alluded to, have a pretty big story. It's what Sex Lives and Tacos

is all about. You. You mentioned parts of it,

but basically, I lost both of my parents and my dog and

then went through a really horrible betrayal in a relationship

that ended up with death

threats, being a victim of revenge porn,

leading me to a mental health breakdown and a leave of absence from work,

and then ultimately getting laid off from my job. And so

at that time, it was just a lot of things layering on top

of each other, and

I was feeling really lost and really broken. And somewhere along the way, I came

across this mantra. And I decided,

without a lot of thought, I decided to get it tattooed down my

spine. But when I was having it tattooed,

it started to dawn on me that it's actually. It was

almost like I was having the ink stitched into my spine

to help me to stand up a little taller, to

start to gain my power back and to start to live

by that mantra. You know, first you let it

hurt. You let it hurt for as long as it's gotta hurt. You let

it bleed. But then in time, you can let it heal

and you can let it go. And let it go doesn't mean forgetting. It just

means it doesn't consume you every day. And so

that's, you know, that's really the story of.

Of my tattoo. That's. That's. First of all,

I love the placement of it. I think it's really cool. I've obviously seen it,

and you can see it, too, when you purchase our book or on our

website, because we believe every story should be shared once the book is out. Every

story is available on our website. Where. Where

did you. Do you remember where you saw this mantra? Oh, it was probably

just a Pinterest or like, Google, give me some kind

of strength kind of thing, like just in the middle of the night when I

wasn't sleeping. But I came up, like, I came across it a few

times, and I just thought it. It really is so

powerful because it's. You know, we hear about the stages of

grief, the stages of all the things,

but that really is the stage of healing in my OP

opinion and experience. And so,

you know, I do think there's something to the placement. Obviously, I

can't see it, but I know it's there. And it does help me

to walk a little taller. It does. I mean, I love that you

just referenced that you Felt like it was being stitched into your spine. I think

that's such a great visual. Yeah. And it's your entire.

Almost your entire spine. Yeah. Why do you. Really

tall. So. Takes up a lot of space. I'm only

five one. Yeah, we're the same height. I love it. So what, like. What.

What, like, drew you to a spine tattoo?

I don't. It really wasn't conscious until it was actually

happening, because I'm like, this can hurt like this. This

doesn't sound pleasant. But it didn't hurt as much as

what I had experienced. And I think it was in the.

You know, the laying face down while it was happening. And

it really started to dawn on me that there's. I think I already said I

don't believe in coincidences. There's no coincidence

that I ended up having it put on my spine. Yeah.

Help me stand taller. So. Yeah. Was

that. Was that your first tattoo? No, no. I have

several. My body sort of unintentionally became this

map of things that I needed to

overcome. I need to celebrate my. My. My body

has words tattooed. Tattooed on, and ironically enough, I

have the word resilient tattooed on me as well. And

so somehow it wasn't planned. My body

has become this sort of canvas for documenting the hard things

that I have managed to get through as well as, you know,

like, special words that my parents said to me in their

handwriting and stuff. But, yeah, I love that. I'm. I'm

also very tattooy. What. Do you remember your first tattoo? Like, how old you were

and what it is and. Oh, yeah. It's not one that we're proud of, but

I was 16, and I.

So my parents were teachers, like principals, and so you don't

skip school when that's the case. But I did skip school one day when I

was 16, and I. I drove to the big city and I got a tattoo,

and I didn't hide it from them. And it was just this ugly

sun that you pick off the wall, and it's blue and purple and,

like, nothing special, nothing memorable or anything,

but it's since been covered up. But.

But yeah, like, my parents were a part of it. They didn't approve. But

where on your body? My upper butt.

Oh, my gosh. I have a tribal son. That's a tramp

stamp too, and it's covered up with a huge ass feather.

You know, we were thinking the bigger picture when we're 16.

No, I just wanted to be cool. Yeah. But what's. What's funny is

my cover up is even worse than the original. Oh, gosh. I wanted it

to be a heart, and it was. It's black. It's this big black

blob, but it doesn't matter. It's on my. My butt slash hip.

Nobody sees it. I've been more careful in the.

In the tattoos, moving forward. Yeah. I mean, I find that, like, as we get

older, they become more intentional. Minus, like, I just got some on my

ear just for fun. But, like, that's awesome.

I love that right there. For you not hearing that, I

pulled my hair back, and you can see that I have some hearts on my

ear. Yeah. Yeah. The ear tattoo is just kind of like, oh, this might look

cool. And it's like three, like, lines, like

three cuffs. And I have a heart on the inside of my ear right

on the heart acupressure point. Oh, cool. Yeah.

Okay. I want to talk about, like, so you're the. The mantra. The mantra.

The first part is let it hurt. Yeah. What does that mean to you?

It's okay to feel like you're

falling apart. It's okay to sit in your messy feelings.

It's okay to

want to give up. It's okay. You're

allowed. You've just been through something. You're allowed. Feel it.

Right. And you have to feel in order to heal. Like, I believe

that. I've tried other things. You know, numbing things, ignoring

things, digging my head into Netflix, all of those

things. And works

in the moment doesn't necessarily help you to heal.

No, numbing is, like, just delaying,

delaying the healing or even making the pain worse. You know, it's like

picking that. That. That wound that eventually becomes this, like, deep scar

or maybe never heals. And. Yeah, I totally agree. And, like, what I

really love is you went through this.

That's not what I love. I don't love that you went through this. But what

I love is the outcome made me stronger. You know, you

became this resilience and reinvention expert, which is so different than,

like, interior design. Yeah. Like, how did that

happen? Like, what was it, like a light bulb moment? Was it slow

evolving? Like, let's talk about that, because that's really cool. Yeah. That

couldn't be further from each other.

I think that what was

happening sort of under the surface for me for many years was I wasn't super

fulfilled at work, and it didn't matter if I changed

employers. I wasn't super fulfilled. It was just a job, and

I was living in a place of, I should do this. It's A good job.

It's got benefits, it's got vacation, it's got pension. So I was doing the

things that I should do. And then when everything

started to kind of crumble in my life, you know,

from the moment I lost my mom to

lost my job, the bookends was

So it was all. And most of the stuff was happening at the exact same

time. It was a very condensed timeline of

trauma and grief and sitting

in my pain and my healing and. And that looked like me

getting still and getting quiet and starting to evaluate

all areas of my life. And a big part of my life was

that I wasn't happy in my job. It

just. I don't want to use the words. It wasn't

serving me, but I'd lost my sparkle.

It wasn't me. And so then in the healing, in the bleeding, in

the trying to figure out what the point of this whole thing was,

because in my previous

traumas, I just played victim. And I was like, why is this

happening to me? My life is hard, all of those things. But in this

scenario, I was like, what's the point? What is the

universe trying to tell me? And I really think it was

to pause to reevaluate your life, to stop doing

the things that you should be doing. And maybe

the part in particular with my relationship and the revenge porn and the

death threats, maybe this needed to happen to me because I was strong

enough to stand up, not only to stop him, but to

maybe become a voice for other people who find themselves

in similar situations. And so

that certainly was not an overnight process, but it was in that

realization that I thought maybe coaching could be a

thing. During this time, I had a therapist and a coach.

Coaching really helped me to move through it and

to become a podcaster. They certainly do not teach you that. In

interior design school. I had no idea what I

was doing, but it just became this

powerful catalyst for me to start, you

know, figuring out what my purpose is.

That's a. Like, it's really harrowing. And like, a lot of times, people who

say similar, you know, similar lines to learning

what my purpose is, it's about when they hit these rock bottom,

moments of, like, extreme grief and, like, loss of identity.

You know, what if we didn't have to wait till we had those moments

to do that, right? And then there's people like you who have this voice,

who can be that person that's standing there with the megaphone saying,

you know, you can get through it. You can

reinvent yourself. And if you're okay with it, I'd love to dive

into a portion of some of your story.

Like, parent loss is the absolute worst. Pet loss is so terrible.

You know, I, I can personally relate. Like, all of that is really

terrible. I want to talk a bit more

about your harassment and revenge porn and talk about

what you want, but should we maybe let's define what revenge

porn is because I don't think everyone knows, and then

perhaps share that portion of the story and what you're comfortable sharing.

Well, I'll keep it short. I'm very comfortable. It's all out there

on sex, lies and tacos, but all the cringy details. But

revenge porn essentially is when somebody takes

your intimate photos or video, any kind of intimate content,

and shares it without your consent. So

I was in a long distance relationship with somebody.

He lived in Mexico. He was a resort worker

in Mexico. There's a whole big story for how I found myself in this situation

that I'm not proud of, but I'm owning it is what it is. I was

in a long distance relationship with him and

there was a period of time where we couldn't see each other. And, you know,

long distance relationships are hard enough, but it's

hard to, you know, keep things exciting, spicy,

whatever. Yeah. And so, you know,

pictures and videos were shared. I sent them to him, he sent them

to me.

Fast forward to us being together for almost a

year. I learned that he actually married another

woman, another Canadian woman.

While we were dating each other, I happened to be traveling to

Mexico, the same part of Mexico that he was in on the

day that his wedding was happening. No idea. Don't believe in

coincidences. Anyway,

fast forward a few months. I end up reaching out to the woman that he

married because I felt she had the right to know

that he had been unfaithful to both of us.

In doing so, she decided to end the relationship. And

then obviously he was not very happy. So what he

did was blackmail me. He.

Threatened me on many different levels and

use those intimate pictures and videos as a

way of saying, if you don't tell the woman that I married that you made

this all up, I'm going to release them. Well,

the woman that he married knew that I did not make it up. And so

he released my intimate pictures

and he plastered them over every social

media platform. He tagged me in

them, he tagged my large

corporate employers social media, and he also

emailed them to work. And so,

as anyone might imagine, that's

to say it's devastating and Humiliating and

really hard to work through. Be an

understatement. You know, we hear about it happening with kids

and quite often when that

happens, people choose to end their lives because you

don't know how you can get through it. When it happens to a

44 year old woman, you think, how could

you be so stupid? How could you be so naive?

People don't talk about when it happens to somebody in their 40s who

are, you know, intelligent, have their careers,

all of those things. So there's a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, a

lot of humiliation around it. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. So when, when

that happened, that actually was

six weeks after my dad died. So I'm processing the grief of

losing my second parent while then dealing with

revenge porn at work. And so

I was actually struggling before the revenge porn

with identity loss, with the grief of losing my

parents and feeling like, where do I belong? But

I didn't feel like it was an okay time to take time off of

work. It's such a stupid

statement I'm about to make. But I felt like people would think I was using

it as an excuse. I thought just, you know,

stuff it down, just carry on, pretend

to be happy. Because I was working for

people who didn't understand grief, hadn't lost their family members.

But when the revenge porn thing happened and

when it entered into my work place, I put a

white, a white flag up and I said, I can't do this. I need to

take a leave of absence, a mental health break. And so I actually took six

months off of work. Many people are not able to do that.

Many people would not even consider

that or would think they're too busy to do that. Everything

was just so dark for me. There was no other

option. And so, but it was in that getting

quiet and possibly because of the revenge

porn and the death threats that followed that it forced me to do

all the hard work. The bleeding, it was

gushing, it was a lot. You let it hurt. I

let it really hurt. And it still hurts, as you can tell.

But yeah, that's devastating.

Yeah. I don't think, just personally, I don't think how,

you know, like, I, I think that's fair in a long distance

adult relationship to do that and send photos like,

I, you know, everyone's on their own journey. I, when you first shared this

story with me offline, I never thought any of

those things. I thought, wow, that is terrible. And I felt for

you never wants any sort of judgment and our community doesn't

think that because you really, I

mean, Like, I like to think that people are better than. Than. Than your ex.

And, like, I don't know what sane person

would do something like that. Yeah, not. Not. Not this one.

No. And I think it's easy for people

to. When it's not you in the situation,

it's easy to say, I would never, or to

place judgment. There's a whole series of events

that most people would never have that I would never have,

but it still ended up happening. I still ended up in these

situations. And so I think until you're in something,

you don't know how you would react or respond. And

I do things differently. Yes, but you didn't know, though, because

you were in a relationship with someone you trusted. Yeah. I didn't know that

you had multiple people in this relationship with us, let. Let alone

a fiance, but, yeah. And I mean,

like, I think also, like, the fact that

it happened after losing your parent, and you're also now grieving

the relationship, and now some of your most private moments

are exposed. There's so many layers

to that, and it's kind of when you are, you know,

that vulnerable that, you know, like, you're

like a crumbled cookie, where it's like, all right,

like, let's take a minute. Let's be still. And the

fact that you were able to take time off is such a gift,

and that you're still here is such a gift. And it was in those

moments that you probably realized it's time

for a change. Right. I had two options.

Give up and not be here

anymore, or

find. Find meaning in it and make it

the catalyst for something else. And while I would not

ever sign up for it again, do not recommend. I.

I have come to. In my healing and my letting go

of finding a way to figure out how to be grateful for

it, not for the. All of the. The things in it,

but for who I am now because of it.

Yeah. Yeah. And, like,

not only are you, like, very certified now as a coach,

but you have this lived experience specifically in

resilience and reinvention. Yeah. Right. And

so if anyone out there is listening to this and you

need support through something like, reach out to Ali. Her contact

information is below. And I want to thank you for sharing that with us. I

know it's not an easy story to share. You know, people can go a

little deeper on your podcast, but

I think it's an important conversation because it brings us back to

reality of what could happen. Mm. Well, and the goal

in sharing it really was first and foremost around my

Healing. But now that it's being spread out

wider, it's the people that are writing to me who are saying,

I see myself in your story in any number of the ways.

Or I didn't. I thought I was the only one that felt like that. Or

I've done similar things. And. And it's the helping people

so that they don't feel so alone. And, like, I

also get nasty comments about how stupid I am and how I deserve this

and all of those things. But, like, the truth

is, I share it all so that people

don't feel alone. And. And they know that if they need

someone to support them, I'm here without judgment, no matter

what the situation is. Mm. I think that's

beautiful. And, you know, turning pain into

purpose and being that catalyst for someone else's

potential change and healing is so important.

What, to you is, like, the meaning of resilient af?

Like, you have it tattooed on your body. I have it tattooed on my body.

It's, you know, a podcast episode for you. It's a whole movement, part of our

movement here at the Global Resilience Project, with our podcast and our books,

some of our clothing. What does being

resilient, afraid mean to you?

I think it means

being strong enough to get through these things.

Life's going to continue to. To whip hard stuff

at us. These curveballs that we don't see coming, we can't prepare for it,

but it's. It's about

having them come at us, figuring out how to

heal, how to get through it, and how to. How to learn

from it. I used to think that resilience was

bouncing back. I don't think we're bouncing back anymore

because we're not the same person after these things have happened. I think

it's about. It's

about. I don't want to use toxic positivity and about

everything happens for a reason, but it's about working through the things

and starting to understand what we can learn from it.

And then maybe the next curveball doesn't hit us quite the same way.

Yes, and I totally agree. We define resilience as

bouncing forward because you're not going back. And,

you know, if you're listening to this and you're going through, like, a reinvention, and

you're like, need some guidance. You know, I would say maybe you are the queen

of reinvention. I mean, I try.

So, as we wrap up, I'd love for you to share

what's a piece of advice for someone who is

struggling with loss of identity, you know, losing their purpose in the sense of,

like, maybe significant grief of people they

love or jobs. What is your advice to them?

Well, I mean, I certainly have struggled with identity loss through all of

those things. And,

I mean, the overarching advice is it's

okay to feel these things. It's okay to feel lost. It's okay to not know

what to do. I still often wonder

who I am in this new life I'm creating. But one thing that really

helped me to move through things was to focus on one thing

each day. What's one thing that's small enough to get done

but big enough to matter? And some days that might look like

making your bed, some days that might look like going for a walk. Other days

it might look like recording a podcast. It might

look like deciding that you want to change your career and doing research

around that. So it's just try not to look at the.

It's breaking it down into smaller pieces, I guess, is what I'm trying to get

at. You know, it's okay to have this identity

loss, but, like, start taking smaller pieces

to start working towards who you want to

be. Yeah. Who you could be now that

these things have happened. That's beautiful.

That's beautiful advice. Well, thank you for joining us on

Resilient AF today. Thank you. You're such a

bright light. And if you're listening to this and you want to connect with

Ali, you can in the show notes her info. And if

you're walking through a hard season, know that you're not alone. Like, it's okay

to not be okay. It's okay to just take life one

moment at a time, put one foot in front of the other. You're not

going to be here forever. You're going to keep going forward. You're going to move

through it. Let us be that lighthouse in the storm and know

that, friends, you are Resilient af.

Thank you.