Navigating Sudden Separation, Pet Loss, and Finding Comfort in the Unexpected | 081

What you're seeing is us going through really shitty times,

finding that silver lining of, like, you know,

acknowledging the pain and what's next, building ritual

and community. You guys, our listeners, our authors,

our social media followers, and I do want to say that one thing

I am excited about Atlanta, and we haven't talked about this, really, is because I

don't live where our parents are buried. I'm actually going to be in Winnipeg for

Father's Day. So, one, let's go see dad family

reunion. But also, two, if there's any parentless

Father's Day events, let's go. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So anyways, it's. Is it weird to say that I'm excited to celebrate Father's Day

and, like, honor our dead dad together? But it's. It's.

That's what's happening. I'm excited about it. It's nice because we've been together

for Mother's Day since Mom died, but I

don't think we've been together for Father's Day. Yeah. And this Mother's Day was absolutely

terrible. It was awful. Welcome back

to another episode. Episode 81 of Resilient

AF with Blair and Alana. And we were.

We were gonna record for the milestone of 80,

but. But you'll hear momentarily what happened.

But, you know, we haven't been here, just us two, in a while.

Life's been hectic and crazy and.

Yeah. I mean, where do we even begin? First of all, the fact that

you're still with us, listening after 81

episodes. We are so pumped.

So pumped. And, like, we wouldn't be doing this without you and without all of

our guests, and. Yeah. Haylin, I just

have to say hello. Well, that's not what I have to say, but.

Hello. We were supposed to do 80,

but I think it's pretty significant that we're doing 81

because it's backwards high. Oh. And what we're about to

talk about today is the opposite. Backwards chai. So

backwards. Okay, so for those of you who aren't Jewish, chai means

life. And Alana and I are Jewish. And in Judaism,

every letter has a number associated with it. And the word chai means

life, and the numbers are 18, 1, 8.

And so this is reverse high. And we're basically just going to talk about reverse

life. And so should we start with, like, the good

stuff that we've been up to before we go into the hard stuff?

Yeah, if you want to. Go ahead. I have to rack my brain about what's

been good. How about I. I Well, I was in Bali. It was an amazing

grief trip. It was amazing. And now we have another grief trip

coming up at the end of August in Portugal and January in

Morocco. So that was amazing. Um, it was a really special

trip and I feel like things have been kind of

hectic in my personal life since I've been home. But I ran

my first local retreat called Regulated A Nervous System

and Resilience Reset, and it was so successful. It was

at Lac Lejeune, British Columbia, which is like a 40 minute drive

from my house. And it was so successful. We're doing it again in October.

And other than that, like, I've. I've just

been really loving the work that I'm doing in the marketing space and the grief

space, but my personal life is in shambles. But first, let's talk

about anything exciting for you. Survivor.

Yeah, Survivor. I did not go to the. Did not

get asked or invited to go to the finale,

to my dismay, because I see

that influencers etc were invited.

And I don't think you should have to be an influencer or

a content creator to be invited.

Granted, some of them are super fans, so, like, I'll let it slide, but

some less so. And I had basically been begging online

since last summer, but actually, if you throw it back, even before season

40, before the pandemic happened, I was trying to make this happen. So

I am bitter, and it's okay for me to be bitter

about it. And what's getting me through is the fact

that the live finale slash reunion was like

nothing. It was like. It was a little bit of a

Gong show, kind of like our lives. So I got to

watch with my friends here, and that was really nice. And

we ate good food. Yay. That's good. Good news.

So who goes first? I can go first. Okay.

So, Alana, what have you been up to in the sad department?

I've been a lot of sad lately.

A few weeks ago, I had to put

Molly, my soul cat, who I've referenced many

times, to sleep for the final time.

She was a little bit of a complex health

kitty to begin with and just want to shout out true panion

because I did spend a lot of money on her and they.

I did save a lot of money on her. But the

past couple months, there's been kind of like issue after issue,

and we had been treating each issue and then

I was, like, feeling really exhausted on a Friday, and so I had called in

to see sick to work, and then

I was like, with Molly basically the whole weekend except for like, two hours.

And just like she was slowly declining. And the things that

usually perk her up or. Or

resolve her were not resolving. And so it became

clear on the Sunday that it

was going to be her last night. And the plan was to

take her to our home vet so she could say goodbye

to everyone because she was there so often. They all love

her. However, as the evening went

on, it was very clear that it was not

good for her. And so probably,

yeah, so one of my best friends ended up taking me. And it was literally

the worst thing. Blair said I cried more than when our

mom died. Which is maybe true, maybe not,

but it's been very painful without her. I

can't imagine if I didn't have Lenny

right now, how I would be coping, because

she was my everything. Like, she followed me around. She was with

me through, like, being unemployed after I

graduated, employed

Covid. Losing mom, losing dad, moving back

to Winnipeg. Like, she has been through everything with me

and everything defining in my adulthood thus far.

So I am grateful for Lenny,

but a piece of my heart is missing. And

I was telling. I think I was talking to you, Blair, or someone just. There's

something about the grief of a pet

that is. Sorry if you see that Blair's. Or on video,

if you're watching. And I keep looking up and it's because I'm looking at Lenny.

But there's something very isolating about

pet grief because. And I think I saw this somewhere online.

So sorry if I'm stealing this. You are your

pet's whole world. And what

that means is, like, you are with them all the time

or most of the time whatnot. And the relationship that you

have with this specific pet, not really many

people have, unless you're living with someone and whatnot.

And it's very different than losing a human

who, again, your relationship is very

independent and your grief is independent in that way. However,

you're kind of sharing grief with the loved ones of this

human. And so

just feels very

raw and sad and

isolating. Like, I have people supporting me.

However, again, pet grief isn't recognized

in the same way human grief is. And so it hasn't even.

It's been maybe about three weeks by the time this

gets released. And,

well, it's obviously like, first of all, may Molly the moose memory

be a blessing. And it's so sad that she's not here. And,

you know, why don't we do the same sort of like, rituals for

pets as for, like, humans? And so I will be

coming to stay with Atlanta me And Teddy are going to stay with Atlanta and

we're gonna sit shiva. Yeah. We're gonna sit nips and romps.

We're gonna have nips. Going to wear romps. We're going to sit shiva

for Molly. Give her the appropriate

send off that she deserves. And oh my gosh,

I haven't cried in like a day. And so you can

cry. It's sad. And it's so good that you have

Lenny. And you know, I know you've also

buried a pet and when you're younger, Blackie. And like, I've,

I, like, literally, like, I feel like I've held like

all the cats. Like Ash was dead on our floor.

Yeah. Xena in my arms, Frey.

And like, whether you're with them for two years or

what, 12, it's. It's just so painful. Especially,

you know, our pets mean so much to us. And

yeah, it just, it's really, really sad. And like, I

feel like I can't remember where I saw it on social media, but there's a

country that, that's like. Or like, there's companies that add in pet

bereavement leaves. Yeah,

I, I think it's something that definitely needs to be added.

You should talk to Rebecca. I. I really should

talk to her. Yeah, she's from Griev leave.

Yeah. Actually, speaking of Rebecca and

Griev leave and Survivor,

if we're doing a little bit of a pivot. So Jeff Probst, the host of

Survivor, his brother died 10 days before

the live finale. And he, his

brother worked on the show with him. And so I imagine they're

probably, they were probably really close. I don't know. But

in the finale, everyone was kind of like dogging on

Jeff, as was I, because there

was a moment where Jeff had

accidentally shared the results of a

challenge and a vote out or elimination

before everyone watched it and it was happening live.

Oh, and whoops. It's like, it's like

whoops. And also it's like, very reflective of

what happens when people have to go back to work

before they're in a place where they can be back at

work. And I can't speak for Jeff Brobst. He won't even open

a DM for me. I would imagine

that if I was in his position, I'd be making a very similar mistake as

well. Maybe he didn't get invited because he was mourning his brother.

Maybe. Yeah. That being

said, you should send him shiva bagels. I should send him shiva bagels and

shiva loaf. But yeah, I had

like, Wrote a tweet about that and then tagged grave leave. And so I

was like, kind of messaging. She's like, I need to find that clip. I'm like,

yeah, it's pretty wild.

And so you recently. So you decide to cremate Molly.

Actually, it's called Aquamation. Oh, yeah, sorry. You're gonna forever

have to correct me. And like, literally looks like fine sand,

like from a white sanded beach. And where is she now? She's been

sitting on my table because I need to find her forever resting place because she

deserves the best. Like an urn. Yeah, I want to get

like a customized urn.

So she. I went and picked her up on Tuesday

when Lenny went for his checkup.

And yeah, I'm just very thankful

for little Lenny clipping his nails. And

one of the texts there was telling me that, like,

because he's like, pretty. He's a good cat at the vet,

but like, so Molly would just freeze when they would do things to her.

But Lenny is, like, kind of lovey. Yeah. Like,

they were clipping his nails and he was like slowly starting to roll

onto his back, kind of like trying to get away, but, like,

didn't try and fight it. I thought that was cute. That's funny. Well, I'm

excited for Teddy and Lenny to meet me too. I think

it'll be good for. Are you. Did you want to do a high level of

the psychic or not yet. Oh,

right, yes, the psychic. Alana's now seeing a pet

psychic. What? Three times. Three times.

High level. Let's do a high level. Also, Alana loves pet psychics. I

do love pet psychics. So I just,

like, needed it for my own. My

own being to like, see if I can connect with anyone who connects with

deceased pets. And so

Molly did come through and it was really beautiful.

And I cried. And yeah, I'm

thinking about. I'm gonna cry, so. Okay, well, we'll talk about it. How about we.

We can talk about it in the future. Yeah, but the Lenny part.

Lenny. So Lenny basically wants to come into

his manhood because he lost his boss and now he needs to

have direction in his life. Yeah. So

are you gonna give him that direction? Yeah. And he wants a

female companion. Yeah, he'll get a female companion when the time is

right. But he gets a temporary companion when his cousin Teddy comes to visit.

Yeah, yeah, he gets a visitor.

Oh, what a. What a time. And so while this is. This was

happening, I was leading the retreat, so I couldn't even, like, be there for Alana.

And like, my life, actually, my personal life was crumbling also. So.

Yeah. And so we basically. It's been hard because both of us haven't really been

able to, like, be fully there for each other because

we're both kind of crumbling in different ways. So you want to share about your

crumbly moments? I'm only going to share a little bit because it's super

raw. That's why I wear my sunglasses. I've

never cried this much. I've been crying. This pain is more than

when mom died. But my. My

marriage and relationship of 15 years ended

a few weeks ago. And this is not me being the

victim, but I was blindsided. My

husband told me that husband. He

realized he hadn't been happy for five years

and didn't want to work on the marriage. And I didn't

know any of these feelings. And I

feel like I've given a lot to us and him

and our life. You have. And, you know,

he had a stroke in October and hasn't been the same.

Just. It's fresh and, like, it's

really confusing for me. And this

feels like it's opening up a lot of abandonment wounds that

I have from, like, our dad. And

I think in the future I'll be able to talk about it in more detail.

But there's been some stuff that I feel

like there's been a few betrayals and there's been a few things

that have been sad. And, like, since his stroke, he just hasn't been the

same. Like, a stroke is a brain damage. And, like, obviously, I.

Yeah, it's just. It's been a really hard time. But, like, I.

Because we have had such a strong mom, she taught us

to always make sure that we're going to be okay no matter what. And I've

fled an abusive relationship. I have, like, survived some other

really terrible things. And I will come out of this

stronger and on the other end. And, you know, I'm very grateful for, like,

my friends all over the Internet, the world, even

locally, they. They've caught me, they've picked me up,

you know, and so I guess now it's figuring

out if we're going to sell our house or if he's going to buy me

out. Where am I going to live? What am I going to do? But it

doesn't really matter because I'm going to be spending. All I know is that I'm

spending June in Winnipeg with Alana and Goo and

Teddy, and it's going to be a really nice break

from this. This grief is really intense. And like

Steph, our friend Steph has a book called Soul Broken about this ambiguous

grief and something similar happened to her. So I'm actually going to start re

listening to it. I'm heading out to our lake home to pack up all my

stuff from our happy place. Shane's gonna keep it, but I'm

putting all of my stuff in storage. So when I'm in Winnipeg, if the

house does get listed, I'm at least I've like done my part because I have

a lot of stuff but Shane has so much more. So I don't feel bad,

but it's been. Yeah, I, I got a storage

locker and I've been packing and moving everything by

myself and it's been kind of like

a spiritual experience. Every time I've gone there, I've felt

stronger and less sad. It's really interesting. My

next trip will probably be Sunday because I'm going to bring a bunch of stuff

back from the lake and I have a bunch of boxes in the living room

and I think I only have a couple more trips to do which is

really nice because my back

hurts and. Yeah. So

I don't know what's going to happen. This is obviously very new to me, a

15 year relationship. Like, you know, it's been almost half my life.

So anyways, I'm single and not ready to mingle but.

And then that's pretty much been very like

all consuming. And this pain has been worse than losing mom. Like

the cr. Like the. Yeah. And

yeah, luck. Luckily, I mean, not luckily, but I have a few

really good friends locally here who have been divorced, females

have been divorced and females who are also going through the

same thing as me. One of them is a year ahead, one of them's a

few months ahead. So it's nice to have this like community of women

who get it. So I feel really, really supported

here and I don't feel so alone, which is really, really great.

So my heart is broken. I am single. I'm going to

Winnipeg for June. But you know what we are doing?

Venables is about to be Blair Kaplan, period.

Well, not about, I mean like not yet. Not yet.

So to sandwich the bad news with more good news,

Alana and I have our first. No, it's our second

joint speaking engagement in Alabama. Oh

yeah. And that's really exciting. So Monte Vello

University or college, they're bringing Alana and I in to speak

at a conference and we're going to be doing a live podcast recording

there. And so this is really Exciting because Alana and I love doing

things together and being brought there to. To

basically record for this podcast live in front of an audience and talk about the

Navigating Grief Framework. And like our work is. Is so exciting.

And I get to do it with you, like my best friend. Yeah. Yeah.

It's really exciting, especially because it kind of. Well, it doesn't kind of. It

does combine, I think both what we both do best, like

your marketing and your Navigating Grief Framework and

my social work background and therapeutic background. And it is for a

social work program, so

it's very cool.

Yeah. Stay tuned. So that's really exciting. And then what else we

have going on is. So the reason I'm coming back to bc, besides

like having to like probably move is Alana and I have

our second annual Life Week, which is like quite apt that

we're having our second annual Life Week.

Hi. At this time. Forward. Forward high.

And it's good. We're going to go back to Base Coast. We're going to meet

our cousin and our friends there. We have like, I have a lot of random

friends going, so it's going to be great. I haven't been single in 15 years,

so that, that might be it. This might be a different experience for me. Just

like, you know, I don't know. Anyways, and then

normally, like originally the plan was we were going to go to the lake, but

the world's our oyster, so who knows what we're gonna do and what we're gonna

get up to. But it's Life Week where we celebrate being alive.

So that's exciting. And yeah, over

the summer, other cool things. I'm turning 41. 41 and having

fun. That's it. That's all I know. You will have fun. Oh,

and Portugal, right? You're going to Portugal at the end of the summer

and in June, I propose

we have a. Which you've already

proposed, but I propose we label it

our resilient AF leadership retreat.

Like just me and you. Yeah. Okay. At like 10 spa.

Yeah, 10 spa. Or you book it. Let's do it.

Yeah, we'll talk off. Off, offline more. And so

what you're seeing is us going through really shitty times,

finding that silver lining of like, you know,

acknowledging the pain and what's next. Building ritual.

And you know, I think community,

you guys are listeners, our authors, our social media followers

are benable users. Yes.

Users who will be funding our. Some of our retreat.

It's just. Yeah, it's great. And so I guess maybe

one More thing. I don't know when Alana and I will be back here to

record because we do have a bunch of guests. And I do want to say

that one thing. I am excited about Atlanta, and we haven't talked about this really,

is because I don't live where our parents are buried. I'm actually going to be

in Winnipeg for Father's Day, So one. Let's go see dad

family reunion. But also, too, if there's any

parentless Father's Day events, let's go. Oh,

yeah. Yeah. So anyways, it's. Is it weird to say that I'm excited to

celebrate Father's Day and, like, honor our dead dad together? But

it's. It's. That's what's happening. I'm excited about it.

It's nice because we've been together for Mother's Day since

Mom died, but I don't think we've been together for Father's Day. No. And this

Mother's Day was absolutely terrible. It was awful.

Like our mama's dad. I did go to. I did go to an event, though.

That was good. Yeah. Well, our mom is dead. My

baby's dead. And then my marriage ended on Mother's Day, so it was

just all sorts of terrible. And I will forever. And Molly is

dead on Mother's Day. No, but it was

fresh. Oh, yeah. Anyways, I was trying to end on a high

note. High note. On a

high note. Oh, I can tell you a high note. I got one. Okay,

great. Because I don't. Okay. So when we packed up Mom's house, we put

a bunch of stuff in storage, and then I got my stuff shipped here, and

so now I'm moving all my stuff into storage. But there was a bunch of

boxes I hadn't even opened because every time I opened them, it was sad. It

was like baby clothes I was planning to give my kids, but I'm not having

kids. But. But I found my favorite childhood doll.

She's a Cabbage Patch Kid. Don't know her real name, but I called her

Cabby. And that is very exciting that I found some of my

childhood toys, and it just brought me back to, like, a place of love.

Especially because in the move, I lost my blankie, like, my childhood blanket.

So finding these toys, it's like a. A really nice

sense of comfort. So on a high note, moving.

I'm finding all these nostalgia things. And I know Alana loves nostalgia,

so I really do. Wrap it up. Yeah,

let's wrap it. Wrap it. Okay. Well, thanks for tuning in. To another

episode of Resilient af. Thanks for crying alongside us. Thank

you for offering to set me up with your friends. If they're

emotionally available, I'm interested in maybe 12 months to meet them.

And Alana eventually is looking for a female cat in Winnipeg.

So just remember, it's okay to not be okay.

You will get through the hard times. Let us be that lighthouse in the storm,

Even if our light is flickering these days. And just remember, within the

storm with you, but we are that lighthouse. Sorry,

Alana, are your meds wearing off? I've had, like, a weird,

dizzy day, so I think a lot of things are happening, so we're

gonna wrap it up. So back to what I was saying, friends, just

remember, you are Resilient af. Thank

you.