Butterflies and Halos with Angie Hanson | 008

I didn't know who I was grieving, you know, because, you know, like I said

before, during that time period, I kind of put Garrett's his death and his

grief kind of on the back burner. And once I started journaling

and I started sectioning out who I was grieving, I I had to

pick a day. Today, I'm gonna if Garrett popped in my mind, I'm grieving

him. If Jack popped in my mind, I'm grieving him. If, you know, if it

was my brother, Seth, you know, that's who I do. And then

going forward, you know, I I was like, Gracie deserves a beautiful

life. She deserves happiness. She deserves all

that I can give her and more. And, you know,

because I didn't just lose these people, she lost these people. You know,

she lost her baby brother. She lost her daddy and her

favorite uncle. Welcome back to another episode of

Resilient AF with Blair and Alana. But today, it's only

Blair, but also Angie Hanson.

So Angie is amazing. She is the author and the founder of

Butterflies and Halos, a grief focused stationery company.

After enduring the heartbreaking losses of her son, husband, and brother

within just two and a half years, Angie transformed her pain into

purpose. Her memoir, Chapters of Resilient Heart, offers an

intimate look at her journey through grief and resilience. Through butterflies and

halos, she creates heartfelt greeting cards that helps grieving individuals

and their supporters find the words to connect, heal, and honor their

feelings. She's also in the process of becoming a certified grief

coach, where she's going to use her knowledge and her teachings to guide

others through their journey of grief to help them also find their resilience.

Angie's mission is to ensure no one feels unseen in their

grief, and she continues to inspire others to navigate loss with

grace, courage, and empathy. Welcome to the

show. Hello. Blair, how are you?

Good. How are you? I'm doing good. I'm doing good.

Yeah. That's that's a lot of loss in such a short period of time, and,

I sort of I sort of understand the complex

grief. And I can't even imagine what it was like to

lose your husband, your son, and your brother.

Let's talk about it. Tell us the story. Well,

yeah, I, very typical normal family is what

we were. This brief journey,

really just kind of came out of nowhere for us. And

we received an unexpected phone call from the

sheriff's office letting us know that our son

had, stopped breathing at his day care provider's house,

and she tried to do CPR and do all

the measures she could. And Garrett was life flighted to

the hospital, and, when we arrived there,

we were told that Garrett did not survive. And so

that really started the the journey of

the most crazy, I

guess, heartbreak, gut wrenching path

that I've ever been on in my life. And, you know, we didn't really

know at the moment really kinda what happened to our son, and he

was perfectly healthy. He had just turned 1. He had his

we had his birthday party 6 days prior to that.

And, you know, we just kind of moved through the motions,

honestly, during that time period. We were surrounded by a

community of family, friends, and,

everybody really just tried to rally around us and tried to

hold us up. And, we found out

about a month after our son had died that he had an undetected

heart defect. And it, basically, his

right coronary artery was kinked, and it always

causes sudden death. And it's either an extreme rest or

extreme activity, and Garrett was napping at the time.

So, yeah, there's really there's no detection for it.

And so yes. So that was that was the

So Garrett was 1.

Yes. He died in 2,006. That

is so heartbreaking. Yes. I had and

I had no idea that rest was so

deadly. Yes. Yes. No one one would not think

that. You know, we just

we just really were trying to find the answers for everything. Like,

what did we do wrong? Did we do something? Did I do something wrong during

my pregnancy? You know, I I wanted or needed the answers, I

thought. But as we, moved through

the the months, and

we knew that we were never gonna have the exact answers, and

we realized that this was this was the path laid out before us.

So how are we going to how are we going to

make our path okay? And our daughter was 4 at the

time, and so we had a lot to live for. We had a

lot to give, and we had

to give Gracie, our daughter, the the life that she

she needed and deserved. So that's where we poured everything into.

Yeah. So heartbreaking and and,

you know, I I mean, there's no manual. And I can't imagine all of the

different different thoughts you'd have had, like, what could you have done, you

know, differently, or what did you do, or what could have been done. And, you

know, it just sounds, like, it just sounds painful and

sad and messy. And

and that was that was just the beginning of of some losses.

Right? Yes. Yes. So fast forward, you

know, we we made it a year after Garrett had died. So June

2007, we we celebrated Garrett

on his anniversary, his 1 year anniversary because we had survived.

And so let's celebrate that on a and honor Garrett's memory,

and that's exactly what we did. And,

my husband, Jack, he was he traveled,

and so he traveled quite a bit. And he came home,

this was in August. He came home, and he was having issues with his eye.

And so just bothersome, irritated, itchy, red.

And, we looked at it. I couldn't find anything in

it. This went on for weeks weeks, and he went

to the doctor, got eye drops, over the counter, went to an

ophthalmologist. They couldn't see anything. And,

like I said, this kinda just went on for approximately

about a month, actually. And, finally, in

October, something popped through his eye, and we found out

that Jack had ocular melanoma. So he had a

large tumor in his eye, and it popped through his iris so they

could finally see it. So it looks,

yeah, it's crazy. If you actually look at, the pictures of it, it

actually looks like a pig's snout. It's really ugly. It's a

brown pig's snout. That's what it looks like, but it's it's you

know, I don't know what people imagine a tumor looks like, but when I think

of a tumor, I just think of a round ball sometimes until I saw

these images. And I then I realized that tumors

are ugly, and they look like scary

beasts, and that's what they are. And so that's what we

kinda had pegged his tumor as. He was gonna

just try to kill the beast. And so Jack

went through, chemo and radiation,

radiation of the eye, and, his

he was diagnosed, I should say, he was diagnosed stage 4

terminal cancer because it had spread to his liver, his

brain, and his spleen. So, the

radiation was basically trying to rid the

tumors from his brain and, make

the tumor in his eye smaller. And, you know, he did

that for 16 months. Jack battled for 16 months,

and he lost his battle on February 8,

2009. So just about two and a half years after our son had

died, and there was just

nothing that you know, he did everything he could. He he

fought so hard. He did all the things, but the

beast that we called it, just was a lot stronger

than he was at that moment. And, I do say though

that he did win the fight against the beast because he he has

the eternal life. So Yeah. Oh,

that's so heartbreaking. And it also must have been so frustrating because he

knew something was wrong and the medical professionals weren't,

like, delivering him the new like, the updates

in the news. Yeah. And imagine the pain that

he was living with. Yeah. Yeah. The biggest thing was it was

it was hidden behind the ciliary body of his eyes.

So if you know anything about the eyeball, there you have this little, you know,

your iris and the ciliary body. It was hidden behind there, and that's finally it

broke through the iris, and that's when they could see it. And, I mean, he

went through extensive testing. We live in Nebraska in

the United States, and we actually had to go to Iowa,

the University of Iowa because they have a huge ophthalmology department there.

didn't have the equipment to diagnose him with that. So it's just

it's amazing because, you know, we have come so

far. And but we're still so far away.

Yeah. Wow. That sounds that's a lot, especially because,

you know, you're carrying the grief of of Garrett, and then to have that

happen to Jack. I I just can't even imagine

losing to the most you know, 2 people so close

to you that were so intertwined in your heart.

Yeah. You know, and that was the thing. I I had a lot of,

regret just because we kinda did put Garrett's

his grief our grief with Garrett on the back burner just a little bit

because our sole focus at that time was,

survival for Jack. And, not that we

did not think of Garrett every single day, but it kind

of it it slowed my grief process down for my

son as what really happened. And,

you know, then, you know, we

we just after we lost him, my daughter was 6 at the

time, and we just kind of I just thought,

okay. Here I am a widow. I'm a lost mom,

and Gracie and I, we're going to we're going to do this.

We're we've got this, and we still had our, you

know, our community and our family and friends surrounding us.

And in my brother in

March, just a month after my husband had died,

my brother, Seth, had actually been battling a brain tumor,

for 5 years. And he had

had, two brain surgeries to remove the brain

tumor. And his brain tumors had always come back as,

like stage 1, or grade 1 is how they grade the brain tumors.

And he never needed any chemo or radiation or anything.

But, in March, right after late

February, early March, right after Jack had died, he started having

issues again. And so we he had his

3rd brain surgery on March 13th. And,

this time, it came back as a grade 3. So it

had grown, and it had,

become uglier. You know? It started becoming the beast in my

brother. And my brother never bounced back,

really from his surgery. And he really

he really I mean, he tried as hard as he

was 65, and he was just he was a strong man,

and he did all the right things. And he had just been

married about a year and a half, and he ended up

losing his battle with his brain tumor, 1 2

And so, you know, at that time in my life,

I really that's when I kind of really lost all hope and

faith in everything. I was extremely

lost. Here I was very alone.

And, you know, then it turned to where where do you lean on your

family? Because we are all lose we all lost the same people in

different aspects. You know? My parents had lost their son, their

grandson, their son-in-law, you know, my in laws, you know, same. And it

was just like, how how do we even navigate all of

this? And I don't sometimes,

I don't know how we did it. And, you know, I just know

that at that moment in time, I

after my brother had died, I was just like, Angie,

you have a daughter. You have a life. You

have to put 2 steps forward, however that looks.

Each day you get up, you're you're taking your

daughter to school. You're you're going to do this. And it was just

a practice that I had to tell myself every single day.

And was it easy? Absolutely not.

Was it lonely? Extremely.

I I still look back at those days and those

months, and I I wonder how.

But I I journaled a ton. I mean, I had

my you know, I just had my faith. I leaned on my faith, and

I just had to live by the conversations that I had

with Jack prior to his death. You

know, knowing that he was going to die, we talked a lot about

moving forward. And so, that's

kind of what I leaned on. Yeah. Wow.

That's your outlook in such

a dark place in time, I think, is

really inspiring. Because when you're

in, like, the pits of hell, rock

bottom, like that level of sadness, it's hard to

function. And I can't even imagine still also having to be

responsible for a whole another human. Yeah.

Right? Right. And I I

can't even imagine that. And I feel

like Gracie, right, your daughter? Yes. Correct. Was like this

beacon of light, this this symbol of hope, and that

together, you know, you could link arms and take that one step

at a time, that one foot in front of the other approach. But that

doesn't negate the feelings of the grief and the compound trauma and the

sorrow and even, like, knowing

which, you know, which grief is what feeling. Right?

Mhmm. But your outlook on that is so beautiful. And I am so sorry

for all of your losses. Like, that is just so

sad. It is sad. It is it is very sad.

And, you know, that's that's one of the things, like, you said just a

minute ago. That's when I really had to I didn't

know who I was grieving, you know, because, you know, like I said before,

during that time period, I kind of put Garrett's,

his death and his grief kind of on the back burner. And once I started

journaling and I started sectioning out, who I

was grieving, I I had to pick a day. Today, I'm gonna if Garrett

popped in my mind, I'm grieving him. If Jack popped in my mind, I'm grieving

him. If, you know, if it was my brother, Seth, you know, that's who I

do. And then going forward, you know, I was just really,

I was like, Gracie deserves a beautiful life. She

deserves happiness. She deserves all that I can

give her and more. And, you know, because I

didn't just lose these people, she lost these people. You know, she lost her baby

brother. She lost her daddy and her favorite uncle. You

know? And I yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You know? And I feel like I

can talk to you for hours, Angie. I mean, my

story everyone's story is so unique, but, like, going through such compound

loss, you know, my husband almost died. We miscarried.

3 weeks later, my father-in-law died. 3 months later, my mom died both suddenly after

a 3 week battle with cancer while my dad was dying, and then he died

the same year as my mom. And, like, going through such compound grief and being

a bereaved mother and, like, becoming an orphan and,

like, almost becoming a widow in my thirties.

Thank god that didn't happen because I needed him. I need I

needed Shane. Yeah. Even though we were very much the wounded

helping the wounded. Exactly. And and, you know, it's really interesting how you said that.

Like, how do you who do you lean on? And so I know

my losses happened during the pandemic while I also was running a business.

And, you know, we lived in one place. My father-in-law died in

a different place. My mother died across the country, same with my dad,

height of the pandemic. It was just all these other added layers,

and I'm a high performer. Duh.

And I didn't know what I was doing. And luckily, I had

sobriety on my side because it helped me, like, not numb and I

had to, you know, feel and heal. I didn't have to heal, but I I

had to feel and that helped me heal. But, it's interesting

because you are becoming a grief coach, and I've actually stepped into that as

well as a grief and resilience coach because I became the person I wish

I had. Really helping people navigate grief, but I created a whole

navigating grief framework base basically, a checklist on, like, how to put

that one foot in front of the other and became that griefy BFF

so that when someone has such a tragic loss, they don't have to lean on

their partner or their family because they're also grieving. And

have, you know, me or you come in as that griefy BFF to hold your

hand because we don't need to go through it alone. Exactly. Exactly.

Yes. I love that. That's that's exactly where I'm at too. I'm just,

we need we need to be able to surround these people that don't have the

people. And, yeah, the compounded grief

is just it's it's a lot. It's it's it's a lot. It's

complex. It's you know, I I it's it's interesting. Like, this is about

you, so I don't wanna go too deep into this, and that's gonna probably be

for another episode. But over the last, like, few years, when it

came to, like, bereaved mother's day or, like, pregnancy loss awareness

day, certain days or even when people learn I

miscarried, they'll ask me, did did you name your baby? And I I

didn't until this week. Oh. My miscarriage

was 4 years ago, and, but, like, I felt this like,

I was just too numb before, but I felt this extreme grief. I'm like, I

actually didn't and was very thoughtful about it, and I'm not I won't

share it here. But, it's interesting because I wrote a letter to the baby.

I wrote a letter because I didn't have a chance to process that loss

because the day we the baby died, we learned Dave had cancer, my father-in-law. And

then he died 3 weeks later. And so it's really interesting because I

haven't really spent that much time grieving the baby. And,

pulling apart which, you know, which grief is is

surfacing has really been interesting. Mhmm. And

I think, you know, and you you probably can speak to this also is that,

you know, grief doesn't go away. We just learn to layer our life around it.

We are just given more tools to navigate forward with this part of

us that is no longer here and this new part of us that is.

Yes. Yes. Yes. And that's one thing. And it's okay

to I you know, people need to realize also it's okay to go back like

you're doing. Go back and, you know, start start that grief process

again. And, you know, you you're recognizing that you

didn't do those properly, but now you want to.

And you have the tools, you know, and you're

able to do that. And so that's beautiful that you're able to

acknowledge that and recognize that. Thank you. Oh, Angie.

Okay. So we're we're gonna wrap up soon. I don't wanna I

don't wanna, I don't wanna go too far, but down

this because I have a lot of questions. But you're you're greeting card company? Yes.

What's your most popular card? Well, I

have actually 3. I have that sell the most. I

sell these every day. Cardinals appear when loved ones are

near. Oh. And then, like, my angelversary,

like, thinking of you on your loved one's angelversary, and

then, like, a happy heavenly birthday. I have snarky

ones, one of the top ones. You know, like,

the next time the next person that says some everything happens for a

reason, I'll throw punch them for you. I hate that. I hate when people say

that. I'm like, that is not true. Yes. I love that.

I, you know, I I like to add a little snark in there because

I you know, if my friend had lost her husband or spouse, you know, it's

going I'm not going to give her a card that says with deepest sympathy or

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm just not going to do that. That's not

how I talk to my best friend. So I'm going to give her the

very first one that I created was I don't know what to

say. Let's go eat one of those damn casseroles. Yeah. So, you

know, so that's what I would do. Or that's Yes.

Okay. When you actually after we first met, you made one

that's that tell us about that one. Well yeah. So,

because, I am going to be part of the

volume 2 Resilient AF. I am super excited for

that. And so after talking to you, I did. I made

a card that says, you are resilient

AF, and has a doodled I doodled a

flower, and I just kinda made it all colorful, and I

love it. Oh, I love it. And, you know, I think it's really cool. So,

yes, you're gonna be in the book. It's coming out in January. I think we

should definitely do a big, like, push. Maybe you if you're coming are you coming

to New York? Yes. Yes. I'm coming to New York. A bunch of cards. Well,

I was gonna actually I I I'm yeah. We'll talk about that. We'll talk about

it. Anyways, I'm really saying. So Yeah. So for those of you out there who

are like, what is going on in New York? Yeah. We're launching we're launching our,

the book that Angie's gonna be in on January 25th with a

well, we're gonna launch it in in January. But on January 25th,

in Times Square, New York, all of our authors are gonna be featured on a

billboard. And, I'm hosting, you know, hosting a a brunch

for them to celebrate them on the Sunday. So if you're listening and you're in

New York and, you know, you wanna meet up or maybe even if you're in

the media, like, I'd be really cool to spread our word. But

yeah. So and and I just, like, I can't wait to meet you in person

because I know. I'm so excited. Yeah. And just I love that you did a

resilient AF card. I think that's amazing. I have an idea for a card

for Jewish grievers. I'll tell you offline because Okay. Perfect.

Not because there's we're running out of time. So you have a gift. The gift

is any listener can go to your Etsy shop, and the link is in the

show notes. And, if you use the code podcast

15, all caps, one word, podcast 15, you'll

receive 15% off your entire order. I

recommend going in like, the cards are cheeky. They're great. They're

inspiring. You know, Alana and I love our tongue and cheek humor.

I mean, our books are called resilient AF, so, like, duh. I said

duh multiple times a day. And I I, you know, I think it's it's

amazing. And all of her links are also in the show notes for her social

media, her shop, her website. You know, follow along with her. You

know, she's gonna be offering grief support, resilience support. She has

her memoir. There's lots of ways to dive into Angie's world.

Angie, what advice do you have for someone who's going through

such complex grief with such profound

losses in such a short period of time? Well, I

bet I always go back to, choices. I

say this a lot, and it's actually in my memoir that I

wrote. I always talk about choices, but, you know, we

all and I haven't written here because I otherwise, I'll I'll mess it up.

But, you know, I pat practice the 3 c's of life,

choices, chances, and changes. You must make a choice to take a chance

on your life will never change. And, you know, with my

grief, I had to make a choice whether to give it to give up or

survive each day. I chose to survive. And by doing that, I had to take

a chance on my broken heart and teach it to love and live. And during

this process, I so slowly saw my life changing into a

beautiful story of heartbreak, death, love, hope, and renewal.

And so I just honestly lean on, how we

choose to move forward in life. I love

that. That's so beautiful. And I think there's a

4th c you're missing. Cheese.

Cheese. I'll add that one.

Okay. And without the cheese Without the cheese, you'd have no

gastrointestinal issues.

Issues. I love cheese. I love cheese too. She does not love me.

This is good. Yeah. That's that's really beautiful, and it's

so true. Like, we can't control a lot of what

happens, in our life is out of our control, but we get to choose

how we react and what we do to move forward. And sometimes that choice might

just be moving from the bed to the couch or, like, showering,

but we have a choice. And, you know, you don't need to wait

till you hit a rock bottom to make a choice to move forward.

And Yeah. You're just so inspiring. Well, thank you. Yeah. And if you read my

memoir, Chapters of Resilient Heart, which is on Amazon,

you will read about, another girl in my book

who made the wrong choice, and,

that was my sister-in-law from my first marriage. And you can read

about her story in my book, and that's why I say we all have choices.

Oh, yeah. They're not always the best ones. Nope. I've made

a lot of those. I've done a lot of those

those choosings. You're amazing. So thank you for joining us

today, Angie, and you're such a treat. Well,

thank you for having me, and I can't wait for this journey to continue

and just everything that's coming. Oh, so good. And thank you to

everyone who tuned in to another episode of Resilient AF. These

conversations are with real people going through real hard shit.

And you know what? Life is not full of sunshine and rainbows.

It's gonna get hard at some point, and that's why we exist. We're here,

so we can be that lighthouse in the storm, so we can help you navigate

that hard shit. And let us be that lighthouse.

Let us be that light at the end of the tunnel. Let us provide you

that support because it is okay to not be okay,

and you are not alone. Friends, you

are resilient AF.