Her Heart Beats On with Jasmariah Swenson | 019

Welcome back to another episode of Resilient

AF with Blair and Alana, but no Alana today. So

let's pause Alana and bring in Jazzy.

So you know what I love? So the the person I'm about to introduce,

I actually had the pleasure of meeting in person, and she was connected to me

from a a dear friend. And you are gonna fall in love

with her. This twenty to thirty minute interview is just not enough of her.

She's one of the nicest, most beautiful humans

inside and out that I've ever met, and she literally has the

biggest heart, which is also part of her story,

sort of. And so, without further ado, I wanna introduce

you to Jaz Mariah Swenson. She's the owner of

Vulnerable with Me. She started this, community, this

business, this this company, to expand vulnerability.

She's published a poetry book. She has been

featured in our book, Resilient AF Stories of Resilience volume

two. She was on a billboard in Times Square with our other coauthors where I

got to hang out with her. She's an inspired writer who loves creating from

her intuition. In fact, vulnerable with me, she just shared came to her in a

dream. And I love that because the best ideas always come when you

dream and when you rest. And her words take you on a

journey. She is such a beautiful writer. No matter what life throws at

her, which has been a lot, she always finds a way to make it

through with a beautiful perspective, which is why I love you so much, and I

think why we connect so much. Because life has

life has not been easy for you and, you know, you've you've gone

down some, windy dirt roads,

but you always have that beautiful silver lining, that perspective.

So, Jazzy, welcome to the show.

Hi. It's so nice to be here. So,

originally, like, I met you through our friend Reid. Mhmm. You

know, and I've known Reid for a few years, and he's like, you need to

meet my friend, Jazzy. She has quite the story. And that's,

you know, kinda how we we we met was about your stories

with your open heart surgeries and, you know, having

children's and a gene mutation. But today, we're gonna talk about something

different. We're gonna talk about something that you and I haven't really talked about.

And I think it's a really important conversation. And I think we should we we're

also gonna, you know, touch on all of those other things, but you're very

young. For those of you who can't see her, who aren't watching the YouTube video,

she's very young and very wise, and

she has a lot of lessons to share. So I guess

why don't we talk about your story?

Yeah. So today, I wanted to share a story that I

recently just went full on public with in a way

where I'm no longer protecting the person who hurt me.

And it was really liberating to feel that. And I think

what's super important about my story was, like, it took me a

long time to get here. So when I

was about seven years old, my parents brought,

from Samoa, which is where they currently live, they brought over my

mom's cousin to help him get a better life here in America, you

know, the American dream. And

with him living with us, he ended up sexually abusing

me, molesting me, and I didn't understand

what was going on when I was a kid. I was confused, and

I did tell, like, two cousins that this happened. And they were

around my age, so we didn't think anything of it.

He still, like, lived with us, and he was really nice to

me, like, a really good uncle figure.

So I thought, like, you know, maybe this will just go away.

But, like, with any trauma, it doesn't go away.

So it ended up, like, just haunting me. It was like

this every day, I would just try not to think about it,

and that wouldn't happen. And as I got older, I

started learning more, and I realized, hey.

What he did to me was wrong. So I

finally got the courage to tell my mom what happened because she

had no idea. And I was 16 years old

when it it happened, when I had the conversation with my

mom, and her first initial reaction was

not what I expected. I went there, like,

expecting to just be comforted and, you know, be

supportive and all the stuff you want a mom to do.

But my mom, I think she was just in shock.

So she reacted in a way where she almost didn't

want to know that it happened. And when

she did, like, a few days later, she ended up talking

to me and was like, hey. I asked this person, like,

about this, and he's saying it didn't happen

and all of this stuff. And I was sitting in the car, and

I was like, okay. Well, it did happen.

And she was like, well, are you sure that you didn't

dream it? And I was I got out of the car immediately because

I was like, I, no, did not dream this.

And I held so much resentment for my mom.

Like, that memory was so dark for

me. Obviously, being sexually abused is

dark, but when you're looking for comfort

and opening up and then receiving it that way, it was

just really dark. So I was just

drowning in this trauma and feeling like so alone.

Wow. Wow. That's that's heavy jazz.

Mhmm. Like, very heavy, and I'm so sorry you went through that.

And thank you for sharing it. And I know you only

recently went public with it. And I can't

imagine because it was a family member how much

courage that that would have taken, a, for you to speak to your mom at

at 16, but also to be public about it. Mhmm.

And, you know, not only, you know, being public about it,

but reliving it. And,

you know, I how old were you when it happened? I was around

seven years old, like and then I think it continued. Like,

it stopped when I turned eight. I remember because I remember

that I got baptized at eight years old, and

then I have, like, this weird thing. I'm

just like, did I get baptized for his sins?

Because he didn't so I always, like, have that memory

of when it stopped. Interesting.

I feel like there's, like, something very poetic in in a dark, you

know, Shakespearean way about, you know, being baptized for his sins.

And so that was happening for about a year. And about nine years

later, you finally speak to your mom about it, and she went

into denial and gaslight you. Like, that

that's its own level of

trauma right there. Mhmm. How

did you and your mom get through that? It took a

while. Like, I barely started my healing journey about two years

years ago, and that's the first conversation that I ended up

having with my parents. I was at my first, like, women's

retreat, and I ended up leaving a day early because I'm like, I need to

go home. And, like, I just had this, like, urge that, like, this conversation

needs to happen. So I went home, and

luckily, my parents were there, like, helping me with the kids.

So I had the conversation of, hey. I'm gonna start sharing

my story because until then, I was just

such a private person. Mhmm. And I was like, I want you guys to know

this because I'm just I like to be respectful too. Like, at

the end of the day, they're my parents, but also we

I think we don't realize that our parents are people too. And then

receiving accountability was something that I didn't expect. I

had the conversation with my mom about what happened, how I told

her, and she was so remorseful.

And she's like, I don't know what was going on in my life to, like,

not be there for you and not support you. And she's, like, had all of

this guilt just crying. And I

I was shocked because I was like, I didn't expect an apology from my

mom. I was mostly just telling her this is what I'm doing.

And the way that she's responded and over the past two years, the

way that we've healed together and have had these open conversations,

Someone at the retreat told me, she was a

mom, and she was this is why I went home. She told me

that never stop having the conversation with your parents

because even though you think they're not listening, the wheels are

turning. And she was like, it took me a while to come around to my

kids, and I was like, oh, okay. So maybe,

like, I don't think that from my perspective, she's listening to

me. But maybe she's processing in a in a different

way that I don't see. Wow.

Wow. That's really powerful. And I think the

fact is, like, that two years ago, you're at a retreat. Your intuition said, I

gotta go deal with this now. I gotta leave, is so powerful.

And, like, I I haven't been in your situation,

but I did have a situation where I fled an abusive relationship, and I ended

up homeless for a few weeks. And, I needed support from a

family member, and the conversation wasn't

met with empathy or sympathy. It was met with anger and

shame. And, I decided to solve the

problem on my own, and I did, but I needed support from my

family. And a few years later because I carried that resentment. And a few years

later, I actually brought that up to this family member, and we

had the most beautiful conversation. They didn't even realize they don't even

remember that. And what happened was I realized that what in, like,

my healing was what happened to me was a trigger for them.

And it triggered them, and they didn't see it as, like, me, Blair,

needing help and being in a dangerous situation.

It it they just saw it as something it wasn't.

And it's interesting because sometimes that time is needed for

this situation to sink in, although it doesn't make it right. Because you

needed help, you know, you needed support when you were 16. You

needed support when you're seven. Mhmm. And it's

scary. Like, you know, it was a family member living with you.

Mhmm. Can I ask you some hard questions?

Did you ever confront the family member? I

did not. But there was a time when I was in high school, and he

had come over to our house. And I go in,

to, like, the family room kitchen area and he's right there.

And he's, like, expecting a hug and I, like, froze,

but this was a really this is the last time I saw him too.

And I was like, no. And then they're like, my

parents are looking and, like, he's looking and I I was

like, no, I'm not going to hug you. And I just walked out of the

house. I'm like, you're never gonna touch me again. Like, even if it's a

hug, like, I don't wanna see your face. It was like Did you say

this? No. But, like, I did tell him no. I'm

not gonna hug you, and I just walked out because my dad didn't

know. And it's like, I was scared for

my dad to know because I'm my dad's, like,

princess. I'm my dad's everything, so I was afraid, like,

my dad would react in not the best way.

Does your dad know now? He does know now.

Is this family member still well, I guess your parents are in Samoa

and you're in America. Where is this family member now?

I'm pretty sure that they're in California. At

least one of them. Not here yet. Far away.

That's that's a lot. That's a lot.

What what do you wish, like, if you could talk to seven year old

Jazzy? What would you say to her?

So I've actually done this in a journey

before where I've gone back, and it was kind of,

so someone was kind of, like, guiding me, and I

was in that memory. And what was so cool was

the person that was guiding me this was in the beginning of my

healing. They were like, well, tell her that it's okay. And then I

was like, well, I'm not gonna tell her that because immediately as I

heard that and I was in the memory, she was just like, it's not

okay. And I was like, you're right. So more than

anything, she just wanted to be comforted and just knowing that

she's not doing anything wrong. Because a lot of the time when this happens,

we blame ourselves. We're like, oh my gosh. I shouldn't have froze. I should

have done something more. Like, you know, all of these things, but we don't

realize how trauma responses work. And the

same family member had tricked me into drinking

beer one time. Like, it was a McDonald's cup, and he's like, drink it. And

I'm like, what is it? And he's like, apple juice. And I drink it, and

it's beer. And I'm, like, bawling my eyes out.

So there were instances that I saw in him

that when I am able to look back now past the memory,

my body knew that this was not a safe person. If we

were going to do something, like, what was what more would have

happened to us? So just telling

her that it's not her fault is, like, so huge, and then just

comforting her. Like, that's what she wanted was to not feel alone in this

trauma. That's beautiful.

And it it probably felt so lonely. Right? I

mean, it took you a long time to even tell

your parents about it, and I can't imagine

the feelings of, like, this being scared and wondering, like, why this

was happening. Yeah. You know? And

and where you are now, like, now you have kids. Mhmm.

What do you and I'm not saying that this will like, I don't

have kids, so I don't know what this is like, and I just wanna, like,

preface that. But I know that I have a lot of friends with children, and,

like, their their, like, radar is up. Like, they are

they are concerned about a lot of things.

Yeah. What, like, what can you like, what are you doing

to protect the kids in your life? Not just your kids, but, like, because you

were there, how do you protect the next

generation of children? It's exposing these

people and not protecting them because it's like, what

we've grown up with culturally and generational is like, oh,

we're focused on protecting the image or protecting the predator when

really we need to be protecting the kids. So I've had these

conversations with my son who's 11, and even when he was,

like, seven, you know, just, like, starting to introduce it.

Hey. Just so you know, like, this is your private area, and, like, no

one's allowed to touch it. And, like, same goes for, like, other

people, like, you're you know? So I think it's

it's I don't ever remember having the sex talk or anything like that

with my mom, but these conversations are so

important for our kids because if we don't have the

conversations with them, where are they going to learn it? Or if they don't learn

it and this happens to them, what are they gonna do?

And I think it's key for me to make sure that I'm staying safe enough

for my kids Mhmm. Where if something does happen,

their first thought is like, oh my gosh. This happened to me. I need to

call my mom. Yeah. Yeah. I think

that's really important is, like, having those conversations and also letting them know, like,

if something happens, this is what you do. Yeah.

And, you know, it's not your fault. And I think that's

important for all these situations because sometimes as kids,

they look to adults as, like, the responsible one, the

safe person, but not every adult or even older kid is

safe. Right. Yeah. That's that's really

good advice. If you were to sit down

and have a not sit down and have a conversation, but if you were to

give a message to this person

who violated you, who assaulted you, what would you say to him?

It would be the shirt that I created. So I created a

shirt because I heard you, like, talking into, our billboard,

Times Square Book Launch, and how you are giving

proceeds to other charities from your merch. And I was

like, oh my gosh. I'm gonna create merch, and it's gonna go to, like, those

things that, like, just light me up. So

I made this shirt, and it's Medusa, and it's from a poem that

I wrote, and it says, it's your turn to freeze when you see my

face. So I'm no longer freezing in this person's

presence. If I see him, like, you're gonna be intimidated.

You're gonna wish that you never did that.

Yes. Take back that power. And, you know, I love that. And so where are

the proceeds being donated? So I am

I'm not business business savvy at all, so I'm trying to figure all of that

out. But 10% is going to go towards the healing

of people who have gone through sexual abuse or sexual assault,

whether it's healing with me or maybe toward a retreat

that, I can help sponsor. Or in

April, me and a friend are putting together this event for sexual

abuse and assault awareness month, and we're just trying to make it

more affordable and accessible for women who just

can't afford it. I think that's brilliant. And I love that

you created that shirt, and maybe what we'll do is, make sure there's a

link in the show notes so people can purchase the shirt if they want to.

Okay. So make sure you get that to me.

I think that's really beautiful, and I love that you were inspired by, you know,

what we're doing. And and when people like you, you know, can turn

their their pain into power, their pain into purpose in a way to shed light

on these untouchable, untalkable,

talkable, like, topics, you know, like, the the taboo stuff that

we're you know, our parents' generation said don't talk about,

we're doing a favor to fellow survivors

and people going through it and helping make people

aware. And so I think that's really, really powerful that you're doing that,

Jazzy. So congratulations. That's that's amazing. Okay.

So you you've written a poetry book. You've just launched a new shirt.

You're gonna tell, you know, this person, like, it's your turn to freeze,

bitch. Like Yeah. It's on you. I'm taking back my power.

What else are you working on right now? Other

than the event, I'm just trying to really I'm

super open to all of the possibilities of, you know, what

does the universe want me to create. And all of these different

things have just been coming to me, and I think I

just want to create something with more connection. And sharing my story

is so important because other people don't

feel alone. And I think that's what's so important is we feel so alone

in our lives, and really we're not alone. And

I would just encourage people to not take that

initial reaction like I did or like you did with your

family member, but maybe continuing to have that

conversation because it could be a trauma response

or it could be they don't know how to handle it. But receiving

accountability is so healing from that

moment. So always do what's best for you

and go for everything. Anything is

seriously possible. Anything is possible. And,

you know, I think, like because not this isn't this is just

a a piece of your story. Like, we didn't even touch on all of your

heart stuff. Like, you are only, what, a couple months out of an

open heart surgery? So I'm

three months out from and they so I had my

open heart on November third of twenty twenty three. And then on November

fourth of twenty twenty four, they reopened me

up to take my wires out and then move all of this muscle

over to, like, protect my sternum because there was nothing

protecting it. So I don't know. This

surgery, like, almost feels a little worse than the open heart

because it's my incision has opened two times.

And when you're moving all of the muscles from your upper

body, it's it's horrendous. And pain

medication doesn't work for me, so I just suffer. Oh my

gosh. I can't even imagine. And you have three young kids. Like, how old are

your children right now? So my oldest son, Christian, is

11, and then my twin, Zen and Kenai, are two and a

half. You're a powerhouse. Like,

I can't even keep my plants alive.

Wow. That's amazing. And, like, the fact that you're

doing all this and creating all this and, you know, while navigating, like,

basically, you just got your you know, that removed and having surgery,

it's it's a big deal. Like, you are definitely someone who is, you know,

making moves and, you know, you're super

resilient. Like, obviously, you're resilient AF. And,

you know, as we kind of wrap wrap this up, I I

think it I think having you share some advice for maybe someone who's

going through something similar, maybe someone who went through something when

they were younger with a family member and they haven't shared it with anyone or

they shared it with someone like their parents but was met with a similar

response to you. What is your advice to them?

I would just say realizing that it's not your fault.

You're not alone, and nothing is wrong with you.

There's nothing wrong with, like, many of us. Sometimes

we try to fix ourselves or change ourselves,

and that's so great. But I think what's so beautiful is

more understanding ourselves. And

when we realize that there's nothing wrong with us and really we

just are going to go in and understand ourselves on a deeper

level, like, why did I do that? Oh, I was actually hurting,

and that's why I acted that way. But understanding and

loving ourselves and just have compassion. We've all gone

through trauma. We've all done things that we wish we didn't,

like, do, and we've all we're all just living the human

experience. So reach out to someone, and I promise

that you're not alone in your story. You are not

alone. That's beautiful advice. So thank you so much

for coming on an episode of Resilient AF.

You are just such a light in this world, so thank you. Thank you

for having me. Such an honor to be here. I love it. And to

everyone who tuned in to another episode of Resilient AF, thank

you. Thank you for spending time with me and Jazzy and for all the other

episodes you will listen to, you have listened to. We drop a new

episode every week, every Tuesday on your favorite podcast

player, on YouTube. If you're, like, listening, you're like, I wanna watch

Blair and Jazzy talk. Go head to our YouTube. All those links are in our

show notes. And just remember, you know, you don't have to go through the hard

stuff alone. It's completely okay to not be okay.

It's okay to feel sad and have all these big feelings and feel griefy,

and you will get through it. You need to put one foot in front of

the other and know that we are that lighthouse in the storm for you. We

are here with you to walk through it, to hold your hand, and that you,

my friends, are resilient AF.

Mhmm.