From Pain to Purpose Moira Khan | 006

And so grief was my really first experience when I lost

mom, which was devastating, and I

I didn't deal with it well at all. Like, I I was

pregnant, my first baby, and I just was in

denial. I think I just was in denial for the 1st 9 months

and, you know, up until I had my little girl. And

even then, I was kind of, you know, obviously, when you're being a new mother

and you, you know, everyone says, oh, I put it down to postpartum depression, and

the doctor even did. You know, they've stuck me on antidepressants and said, off you

go. But it wasn't. It was just grief.

Welcome back to another episode of Resilient AF with

Blair and Alana. But it's just Blair, but that's okay because

we have someone really, really special,

Moira Khan. She is the owner and founder of

GriefSpan. And after the loss of her parents and brother,

she became a grief, educator, a certified grief

educator. She now helps and supports grieving individuals and groups all

over the world through the most heartbreaking times of their life.

Grief education enables grievers to process the grief in a safe

space while learning more about the best practices and tools to help

navigate the journey they never asked to be on. Moira has a

large community and network on Instagram, and she can be found at grief span.com.

And I am someone who has walked

in, you know, hand in hand with grief and complex

grief. And so I am so honored that not only

are we sharing her story in our book, resilient

AF, stories of resilience volume 2, but that she is here today to

talk about her complex grief. Because in the

matter of 5 years, she lost both her parents and her

brother. And I am my heart is

broken for you, Moira. It's just Thank you so much, Blair.

It's yeah. And, you know, my heart goes out to you and

everyone that's lost someone in, you know, our lifetime,

which, again, like you said, we never asked for.

Yeah. And, you know, it's so interesting because, you know and I wanna

dive into your story and how your journey to

becoming a grief coach came to be. But I think what I I really

wanna just touch on first, because I think you and I have had such

complex grief, we don't ask to be

grievers. We don't ask for it to happen to us. But

what I stepped into not really

knowing, but now in hindsight do, is that we are not immune

to grief. Grief is part of the human

experience. We love hard. We grieve hard.

And there are things you can do when you're walking in grief,

right, to help move through it, but there's also things that we can

do proactively so that when that grief comes, we are more

prepared. And that's what I was not. I was not prepared. So I'm

so honored that you are here today. So let's let's talk about your story. Tell

us about your journey into the depths of grief.

Oh, yes. Thank you. It's amazing. I, I'm so

honored to be here too because I I have this

real affinity with loving and meeting new people, and I have been

so honored over the last, I think it's 8 months since I started

GreasePlan Education and GreasePlan, and it's just been the most phenomenal

journey ever. Had you said to me 10 years

ago was when I first lost my mum, that I would be doing this

now, I would have kiboshed it completely and said, no way.

Absolutely not. How on earth could I ever get to this space that

I'm in now with my grief? And

10 years ago was when I lost my mum, and I'm from New Zealand

originally, which is, in case anyone doesn't know, I was born and

raised in New Zealand. And my parents were actually immigrants

from, the UK in the sixties and then moved to

New Zealand, which is why I was born then. And I had one brother, so

there was just the 4 of us altogether. And my mom

had sort of not endured the greatest of health

throughout her life and was unlucky, but she

was a trooper and never really sort of, you know, sort of whinged

or complained about her illness and she was, you

know, suffered with rheumatoid arthritis. My dad had various

things going on, but none of these things you would have ever seen as

life threatening. And also my brother was quite sick as well throughout his

life after he sort of reached his twenties. So you

could say that the family was not really, you know,

blessed with the best of health, but it was nothing like,

you know, cancer or terminal or anything that we expected

to for my mum to go so soon and sudden and which is what

UK at the time with my husband, we'd been together for,

2 or 3 years and we just found out we were pregnant

and it was only about 6 weeks and then I ended up flying home to

New Zealand because she was in her

final days. I just had this gut feeling that it just wasn't going right

and literally as I was flying to New Zealand, she was declining.

So, you know, my brother and my dad were still there at that point and

it just it just felt numb, like I just had

no concept of grief at that stage whatsoever. I had

lost my grandparents before this, but

I hadn't even known my mum's side of the family, so I didn't actually ever

meet my mum's parents. So I didn't have that affinity with my

grandparents, and my dad's side, I wasn't really close

with either. So I didn't have that sort of very

close loss. And so grief was

my really first experience when I lost mum, which

was devastating. And I, I didn't deal with

it well at all. Like I, I was pregnant with my first

baby and I just was in denial. I think I

just was in denial for the first 9 months and, you

know, up until I had my little girl and even then

I was kind of, you know, obviously when you're being a new mother and you,

you know, everyone says, oh, I put it down to postpartum depression and the doctor

even did, you know, they stuck me on antidepressants and said, off you go.

But it wasn't. It was just grief. You know? It was it really was a

lot of grief and lack of sleep, obviously, too. But,

yeah. And I I really just put it off and parked it for a while.

And also because my dad wasn't well at that point as well either, so

I was worrying about him grieving. I was in another country caring

for for him from the other side of the world. So it became very

complicated. You know, it's that complicated grief, and and

I also knew that dad didn't really have a lot longer left either. I

think his time was limited by this point as well, and I didn't

know probably max of 2 or 3 years I'd given him as well.

So various bits and pieces going on.

And then, you know, as I sort of made several journeys to New Zealand, one

to move my dad back, you know, into a sort of, like, a retirement

home to make sure he had more care, in the

meantime, also having a hip replacement and myself.

So there's lots of physical stuff going on at the same time

was pregnant with our second one, and,

it was about 4 weeks after he was born. So it's just coming up,

actually, the anniversary,

and my 7 year old now, who just turned 7 yesterday,

he was born. And 4 weeks later, I was nursing him at

night, and I got this phone call from New Zealand, and it was

my step niece. And

she said, Alastair's gone. And I was like, what do you mean

Alastair's gone? And she said, he's dead. And I'm like, this is

my brother. My brother was 47 years old, suffered a

cardiac arrest. He hadn't been well. He'd had heart surgery before

that, about 16 months prior, but it

hadn't worked particularly well. And he

was found dead one morning in a hotel room on his own because he was

traveling for work, and that was that was it. And so

it was all very sudden, another trauma, and again, I'm

postpartum. I'm with our second baby, and

again, it's all very complex. I'm not there. I can't go home. I

can't be with my dad. I had to call my dad and tell him that

his son had died, which is the most you just don't ever imagine

having to do that in your life. It was just so traumatic.

And, yeah, I I I don't think I ever dealt with that until

a lot later. I moved to Spain after that. So I kind of

I piled all these things on, you know, one after the

other of coping and just, you know, being a mum. And

I think just being a mum on its own with new babies and everything else

just kind of parks your grief for a while too. And

you just have to get on because who else is gonna do what you've gotta

do? And so that's what happened. Wow.

And so when we moved to Spain, it was about 4 or 5 months after

my brother had passed away, and,

my dad was ailing still. He wasn't great, but he was

still in an apartment in the retirement home.

But about a year after I moved to Spain, I had to make the

call to whether I should go home again because he was

in desperate need of palliative care. And

so I took the children home on my own, a 16 month old

and a 3 year old home to New Zealand on my own on a 27

hour flight, and basically packed

him up again, all his belongings and put him into palliative

care which was in the same, you know, sort of same place that we had

him before but it just was in the palliative care wing

and I had to leave him and basically that was the, I think, you know,

the hardest part was leaving him again knowing that that was probably the last time

I was gonna see him alive and,

yeah. And then that Christmas, literally about 6 months

later, I got a call on the Christmas Eve

that he'd gone. So he slipped away, and I wasn't

able to get home for that time because I had just had major

foot surgery. So you can see there's a sort of recurring pattern here.

And I just couldn't get on a plane, and I wasn't meant to be able

to fly for at least 2 or 3 months. So I was kind of planning

after he'd gone that I would go home, do a memorial service,

and all the rest to say goodbye.

And guess what happened? COVID hit, and I couldn't get home.

So it was all very, you know, strung out again. I

had this delayed grief because I couldn't say goodbye. I had no closure.

I couldn't even do his estate and everything because everything was in lockdown. I

couldn't, you know, couldn't do anything like even get papers sent

or any of that stuff. So I had to even delay

all of that. So I had no closure for at least a year,

14 months, until I could get back again to to do all of that.

So, yeah, it's I I like

to say, you know, it's made me stronger, but who in the heck would

have expected all of this? You know, I'm 46 now, and it's, you know, that

was all in the space of 5 years. And I knew

that I had a purpose, but I I didn't know what up

until 2 years ago, which has

kind of brought me to where I am now. Yeah. Wow.

First of all, thank you so much for sharing all of that. My heart

is broken for you. That is a lot of

layers to navigate. Thank you.

Yeah. And, like, it's just not even being

in the same part of the world and having to go back and

forth and with, you know, your with health, like, you know, birthing

humans and bod getting body parts fixed. Yeah. You know, it just adds

this whole other layer and, you know, just your

story is so harrowing. And what is so

impressive when I talk to people like you who've been through

such complex grief and so many different layers and delayed

grief and you know,

when you turn that grief into a,

a tool to help others. And

you just said you didn't know till a couple years ago that

this is the path you're walking on. Like, what were you what were you doing

before that, and how did you know that you wanted to

work in the grief space?

I I don't know if there was ever a real defining moment, but

I I knew I wanted to help in some way or in at

least impart my story Mhmm. In a

way that would inspire others or at least

help others and know that they weren't alone. I think that was my biggest

kind of back thought until I really sort of felt I I started looking for

like coaching programs and all sorts of things over a period of 2

years just to be, you know, wait and just kind of waiting until I found

the right thing. My my old job was a project manager and and

which I still do a little I dabble a little bit now still, but that

was my old corporate life. I worked in law firms. I was a a technical

project manager, that was my thing for years until

I happened to have the kids. But I knew I didn't want to go back

to that or at least full time. So

when I did eventually find what I wanted to do and came

across David Kesler's course, which was a certified grief

educator and coaching course, I just it just it just

resonated with me and I felt like it was the right one that spoke to

me. So I did that, 2 almost 2 years ago

now. And yeah. And then it was just

basically a journey of sort of coming up with what

I've got now, which is Grief Span Education. And Grief Span

is literally a sort of a tribute to my dad

because of his, wee company that he used to have in

New Zealand, which was called Timespan. And my dad was a great writer as

well, and he just loved to tell stories. He's

got journals that I just have never had time to go through

and I've got all in storage and he's just he was a

prolific writer and storyteller. And so

Grief Span just spoke to me and it just seemed and

felt like the right thing and kind of attribute, not just to dad, but to

my parents and my brother. And so

now, you know, I'm able to offer an actual space

where I'm, you know, I'm educated and I'm always researching, you know,

grief as a space and a topic because

it really resonates with me now as to how much, you know,

I've healed over the last however many years

and how I've got to this point and how

I really want to help people get to this point as well. And I

recognize it so much when people say they're stuck, you know, they're so

they just I can feel it. I just, I just had this thing that

I can feel people, you can just tell, but the instance I get on some

calls with clients, you can tell that they're just so distraught or so

in need of some kind of positivity that there is another light at

the end of the tunnel somewhere, that we will never get over this, what

we've been through, but there is some purpose behind what we've

been through and, you know, that we only have one life and what to

do there. You know? And Yeah. Yeah.

And I love it. And it's interesting because I'm a grief and resilience

coach. And so with us, there's some overlap. And what I think is

really cool is that I'm sure you've discovered this. There's so many phenomenal

books and resources in the grief space. Like, I just bought David

Kessler's Finding Meaning workbook, and

I'm studying under doctor Claire Bidwell Smith right now, and she's

amazing. And it's, like, every time I meet someone, I

you know, and they tell me about a resource or a podcast. It's just

we have these tools, but I think what the missing piece is those

grief coaches because we are not therapists

and counselors. And Exactly. By the time clients I know

come to me, like, they've kinda hit a

wall with their therapist or their counselor, or they want to try something new.

So what if working with you or, you know, a

professional like you or me or anyone in our realm

wasn't a last ditch effort? What if it was something that people choose

to do from the beginning, you know, along with other

mental health professionals? And I think, like,

I think educating on that space and how you

support people moving forward is so important. And

it's not just that that you're trained, but you have lived experience.

Real lived experience in navigating

complex grief. So I think it's That's

the difference, isn't it? That's I think, you know, and I I've said this quite

a few times now, and I think that's the difference is that people

because they relate, and I think given that yours and

I's, you know, expertise are relatively

new in a sense that they're not as well known as going to your

typical therapist or, you know, what we class as a

therapist, which is no disrespect to what they do or, you know, because I know

it takes years of training. But when you when you've experienced grief and

you've been through it and then you're looking for someone to relate

to, grief education and grief coaching

is quite amazing in the sense that, you know, you don't

necessarily want to dive into childhood,

past or trauma. This is about the situation that you find

yourself in that you didn't choose to be in. You know, grief education and grief

coaching is all about navigating a new space that

we never even imagined that we'd be in, even though it's

inevitable, you know, we're all going to face grief at some point

but if you come into it like us unexpectedly,

earlier than normal, How on

earth are you I mean, I was one of the first friends out of my

group to lose my parents, and I've been navigating that space

for about 10 years up until now. You know? And none of my friends

had lost their parents up until probably quite recently. So, you

know, and who do I turn to? Who do I, you know, share these

things with or who understands how I'm feeling? My husband doesn't even understand it

because he hasn't lost us either. So it's a very, you know,

it's a very individual space for a while if you don't have anyone around

you that can relate to you. Yeah. I think that's a really

important thing. And, also, when you're going through grief,

the people you wanna rely on or depend on or lean on are your

families, your friends, but often they're also impacted by this

grief. And so when you work with an expert, I like to say, I'm your

griefy BFF. I'm that person who's gonna hold your hand

forward. And it's not about looking back or diagnosing. It's about

building that path forward. And, you know, I I I I

love it. I'm so excited that we are in

each other's worlds because this is such important work, and

you are really carving out your own path, a a notable

path in the grief education and coaching space. And so it's

such an honor to have you here with us and have

your story be told in our book. And I think I think it's a beginning

of something really beautiful because grief coaching isn't going anywhere just

like doulas. Right? Like, birth doulas. That must not be a thing, and now,

like, some governments cover it. And, you know, I

think I know that I became the expert I wish I had

because I am also the first. And, the world is

full of grief. There's so many different types of grief, and we don't have to

sit in our pain. There is a way forward. And you can throw

shit at the wall hoping something sticks, or you can work with an expert to

help you through it so you're not sitting in that

life altering pain for as long as you would be. Right? And so thank

you for thank you for the work that you do. It's it's really important

work. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you so much. It's Yeah.

And and so, you know, as we wrap up,

I highly suggest that everyone that's listening to this goes to the show notes and

clicks on the gift. It's a 28 day grief tip calendar.

It's a free calendar with, a tip a day for 28 days. I

downloaded it. I think it's absolutely amazing. And

if someone you know, is is stuck in their grief,

send this to them. Send this to them. Because

I know that I I could probably speak on behalf of Moira, but when I

was in in deep grief, anytime someone gave me a resource, if I had the

capacity, I would I would review it, devour it, listen to it, read

it. I just wanted to feel better. So this is definitely

something that will help move the needle. Her social media

links are also in the show notes, so I invite you to

enter the world of Moira Khan and GriefSpan

and and dive into the change she is making in

the world of grief work. Before we wrap

up, let's let's hear a piece of

advice for someone who's navigating

such significant loss in such a short

period of time like you did.

I think if I was to go back

and if someone had said to me, this is what you're about

to face. Oh, you know, it's all very well for us to say, oh, we

have a magic 8 ball and, all the rest of it. But I think the

biggest piece I would say now for me would be to lean

in. Mhmm. Lean into

everything that's around you that can hold you up and support

you through this tough time because,

you know, we can be as tough on the outside as we think we're

gonna be and all the rest of it, but we are gonna have moments

where we just cannot function. And, you

know, if you have a support network, lean on

it and take it. Take the help that people are offering.

I know there will be people in this life that say to you,

I'll be here when you need me, and quite often aren't. But there are the

ones that are. You know? And there are people that may just

disappear in this space because they don't know how to be

comfortable around you or they don't know how to react, but there will be the

shining ones that will. And all I can say is

to lean in and just accept help. Say to someone, just

come round. Or if someone says, I wanna come round and just make you coffee,

then just let them. Let them help you. Let them because

if the more you share your story and the more you share about your grief,

even if you don't say anything, it's okay too. But the more you talk about

it, the amount that I have healed in the last 6 months alone by doing

what I'm doing is phenomenal. Like I never would have thought I

would have healed even more, so just lean in

and accept help and also just create your own little space if you can as

well, like create your space, even if you just create your own private Instagram

page and sharing your stories, you don't have to make it public even,

but share your story because it will help.

Beautiful advice. Well, we know I love and

advocate for the sharing of the story piece, whether it's to yourself or

publicly. Absolutely. Yeah. So thank you so much for

taking the time to be with us on Resilient AF.

I appreciate it. You. I'm really honored too. Thank you so much for making the

space available to us too, Blair. Oh, thank you. Thank you. And

to you, our listeners, thank you for tuning in to another

episode of Resilient AF. We're here to empower you to

bounce forward, to strengthen your resilience muscle, to be that lighthouse in the

storm. Just remember, it is okay to not be okay. You

will get through it because you are resilient

AF.