The End of a Marriage with Amy Singleton | 003

Welcome back to another episode of Resilient AF with Blair

and Alana without Alana. Just Blair, but not just

Blair, with also Amy. So I'm really excited

about this this chat because I met Amy through

actually another Amy. I seem to have a lot of Amy's in my life. But

this Amy, there's just something about her. There is just something about

her and I can't wait for you to have a chance to dive into her

world. So Amy Singleton is an entrepreneur based in Oklahoma

City, Oklahoma. Originally a registered nurse, Amy's

own health forced her out of a career that she loved. Looking for purpose

in all the wrong places, she wound up alone and

desperately suicidal. Amy now dedicates her life to helping others.

She sees hope and purpose beyond their own failures. Too many

people struggle to navigate their careers and families without sacrificing

professional and personal achievements. She uses stories,

humor, and practical insight to inspire women to carve out their own path

for success after failure. Whether we failed ourselves,

been failed by others, or been failed by our own bodies,

there is hope ahead when we cut through

the BS and dig into living our most authentic

lives. And let me tell you, she is here.

She tells it how it is, and we're gonna dive in today to talk about

how she lost everything, including her health, her career, and her

marriage. And she's gonna walk us through that journey. So,

Amy, welcome to the pod. Thank you for

having me, Blair. I even I didn't even plan this. It's just like one of

those humid days, but I wore my sounds like bullshit what you have to come

to is like, sounds like bullshit to me and make a different choice. That's what

I had to say to me.

Yeah. Let's talk about love to say that to others, but I had to say

that to me at some point. I love it. I love, that you're a little,

like, cussy like me because some people are not.

Yeah. I'm a little cussy cussing. You know? I mean, our

book resilient AF, you know? Yes. Stories of resilience volume

2, you're gonna be in it. Yes. I cannot wait. I can't

wait. I can't wait to showcase you there, but we're gonna talk

here live and in the flesh. Unless you're listening, it's just

live and in the voice. That's right. Let's talk about your

story. Yeah.

So, you know, where should I start?

It was a long way to, to resilience,

and and my story talks about, it was it was a

1,000 tiny steps. Right? I I

married my high school sweetheart, lost that marriage.

After almost 20 years together, 2 kids,

found out he was gay. Then I had a series

of severe health problems. I'd had a

gastric bypass surgery, then I broke my back, and then I was

diagnosed with cancer and just like a million things happened that just

kind of demolished my life one

one notch at a time. And

I found myself, you know, like, living back at home with my

parents in a wheelchair, not able to work. And and,

basically, what had happened was that I had built my life

on the identities of other people and on

what I now understand to be finite projects

instead of an infinite purpose that I could serve no matter where I

went. And and the loss of

everything was in direct correlation

to not having anything really that was for me.

That was that was true to my purpose. And and that's a

lot that you went through, and thank you so much for sharing.

Any one of those situations would be

very, very hard to navigate. Let's let's go back to kind of the

beginning of what you shared with learning that your husband

was gay. Yeah. That was

wild. So Let's all take a drink of

our water? Let's all take a drink of our water. So for

6 and a half years, thank God, but I'm still on coffee at 4 PM

somehow. But the it's another we just train one addiction for

another. Right? That's late to drink coffee. You might

like, good for you. I don't know. I probably should

be off of it by now. But, yeah, so I met him

when we were age 12, 7th grade. You know, we were both kind of

that awkward, chubby child that didn't quite fit

in, and we found a lot of synergy with one another. And

we're just like fast friends, and I really pursued

him. And kind of it's funny because looking back, I joke

now with my friends, like, I have the worst gaydar in history because I was

in love with gay men from the start. Like, George Michael, I think, started it

all in the eighties for me, and it was just downhill from there. Like, Ricky

Martin, I was just let down over and over and over again by all the

men I love. But, you know,

ironically, like, where we live, which is is in

Oklahoma City, you know, it was the nineties.

And we're in, like, a very

you know, we're in the bible belt. It was not a time when it was

safe for young men to be gay or say they were gay.

You know? And we were best friends, and we just kept we came from a

time when our parents really, were all doing

the best they could, but our parents really just there was a lot of

expectation put on us to kind of commit and finish and

follow through with the things that you started. Right? Back in I mean, that's

just how it was when I was younger, and so we just

kept taking the next step and doing the next thing that we were thought we

were supposed to do. He knew full well walking down the aisle

that he was gay, but he just didn't know how

to how to manage that as a person. And and so there were there were

things over the years that probably should have triggered me to know that,

But, ultimately, I I had some intuition that I

ignored, which I even still work on to this day. It's it

gets stronger and stronger and louder and louder all the time, and I'm learning

to listen to it more. But there were cues and clues,

which is really part of the recovery from all that. Right? Like, a lot of

people I lived in the victim mentality for

so long, Blair. I thought I was the only human

being that that had ever happened to, like and, well, little

did I know there's an entire, like, whole subsect of

women and men who have been through this exact same thing as

me, but I felt really alone because I isolated after it.

It wasn't my news to tell. He wasn't ready to tell.

And so Like, how did you find out? Sorry. I'm interrupting you because, like Oh,

no. Okay. Before, like, telling people, how did

you find out? Because you're probably one of the more important people

to know since you were the other partner. For

sure. Okay. So how we had been having trouble.

Right? We had 2 young kids, and we were just having a lot of

communication issues. I was very type a. He's very beta guy,

and it just, like it was always just a struggle. So we were going to

counseling and all you know, we were doing all these things, trying to make things

work, and it was our 9th wedding anniversary. And we had

left our kids who were, I think, 2 and, like,

2 and 6 at the time, with my parents. And we

went down to, like, a bed and breakfast about an hour and a half away

from our home, and this was, like, kind of our if you've ever been in

a relationship where you're like, we're gonna take this last trip, we gotta make it

work. Like, we're gonna romance the hell out of each other, and it's all gonna

be okay by Sunday morning. Right? Yeah. No. Like,

whoops. No. I mean, there was just nothing left

romantically. Like, he was super depressed. I was so

until we were on our way home from that trip, and we were like, okay.

You know? Like, no. We we we now refer to it as our divorce trip.

But we were driving home, and it was just

that that gut intuition feeling in my belly that was

saying, ask him. We had actually sat

with a male counselor 18 months,

2 years prior to this moment, and that man looked me dead in the face

when my ex was not in the room, and he said, he's gay. And I

was like, I don't know. And I was so oh

my god. I was running away from every clue. Even that

man looking me dead in the face and saying it, after we explored

some of the problems we were having. He's like, no. He is completely gay. And

I was like, I don't know. And then we quit seeing the guy. So I

just had that feeling in my gut. We're driving on the highway where everybody knows

you're sitting side to side. It's easier to have that hard conversation. And

so I just mustered up every bit of

gumption I could possibly manage, and I said,

have you ever thought that you might be

attracted to men?

And I I thought that was a pretty nonconfrontational way of asking. I I

amused and muse on how do you word this. And he didn't say

anything, and he just kept driving for, like,

the longest 2 minutes probably of my life. My gosh.

And then we exited off the highway. I will never forget. Every time I pass

this exit on, the interstate 35 that runs right through Oklahoma, I

just pull, like not anymore, but, like, for years years when I saw that exit

sign, I was just like, ah, there's where it happened. And he pulled over,

and this 6 foot to 250

pound bear of a man, best friend since age

12, just

he just crumbled,

and we both started crying.

And I, like, unbuckled and I moved over. And I sat

on his lap, and I just, like, held his ginormous head

as he just sobbed and sobbed. And he said,

why aren't you walking down the highway? Why are you why are

you loving me? Why are you here? I was like,

you're all I know. I love you. You're my best friend. I don't know what

this looks like for us, but I know that this doesn't

change the fact that you're important to me and that we've been in

this together for a really long time.

And so, you know, we we drove home,

and we, he went to pick up our kids and I went over to a

friend's house. She bought the wine. I was like,

hey. Are you home? Because I'm coming to spend the night. And she's like, what?

And I was like, I can't talk about it. She's like, do I need wine?

I was like, yes. And I just went over there. I was so angry.

But at the same time, feeling, you

know, vulnerable and all these things. And I knew, like, he was like, please

don't tell anybody. I'm not ready to tell. And so I was like, great.

Okay. I did tell that friend at work, which ultimately the one person I

told, it did get back to everyone at work and all across town in the

medical community. It was crazy. But,

so that's how I found out. And then, like, you know, my

my ex husband was kind of the son my parents never had. He

actually lived with my family. Right after we graduated high school,

he had a a bad home situation. He moved into my home and lived in

my parents' spare bedroom for, like, a year and a half before he got his

own place when we got married. So, like, they were really close with him.

And when I told my parents, that when we

went together to tell my parents that we were getting divorced,

my mother looked me dead in the face and asked me, are you cheating on

him? Yikes.

Yeah. Because I was I was actually prepare I was already in the

preoperative process to have gastric bypass surgery, and so I'd

lost, like, £40 on my own leading up, and people just thought, oh, maybe she's

feeling herself. I mean, they didn't know, and I can't fault them, but, like, I

couldn't tell. Like, Blair, I wanted to go, he's gay. I'm

so angry. You need to be lazy. When you told your parents you're getting divorced,

it wasn't that you you weren't sharing the reason. Mm-mm. It

was, like, over a year. Hard. Yeah. It was really hard

because there were so many people. And then when it finally you know, maybe,

like, a year or so later, it finally came out and he started being

comfortable with coming out and stuff. The sheer number of

people that when I would tell them or when they would learn that

would just go, oh my gosh. That must have been so hard for

him. I was just like,

yeah. Darn. Yeah. And maybe me.

And me too. I Yeah. But but now it's funny. I mean, I

can talk about this now. I can almost always talk about it without crying. Thanks

for bringing out the tears in me. Oh, you're welcome. You're welcome. But

it you know, we we are best friends again now. Me and him and my

my husband, Joseph, that I've been with for 8 years now are like an

absolute tripod of parenthood to our 16 year old and our 20

year old. Like, we're just thick as thieves again. It took a

really long time to come back around to that place,

but but we're there. And and so we're, I

feel like sharing these stories gives people hope that I mean, that's my

entire life's purpose is to be like, dude, I was here, and now I'm

here. My relationship is crap, and now it's so much better. And you

can absolutely go from cussing out an ex and never

wanting to talk to them again to actually sitting at Thanksgiving and

being there together in a loving way for your child. I mean, that's

just one of the many things I learned through this journey was that it it

is possible. No matter how mad you are, you can actually take some

ownership and get over yourself and and do it. I mean, I guess

there's like, first of all, thank you for sharing that and for being so vulnerable

and, like, letting your feelings flow because,

you know, it's a grief. Right? And, you know,

it's so many layers. Like, you've known him since you were

a kid. He's the parent to your children, you know, the

relationship with your parents. Like and I think it's beautiful that

you've found your way back into each other's lives in in a new

format, and there's no instruction manuals. Like, I

mean, I I I I think it's it's a

really beautiful, journey because,

like, your kids are so lucky to have that. And Yeah. To

show that love is kind of boundless, and it does stretch and

reform in different ways. I wanted, you know, I wanna

go back to what you said about, like, your mom asking if you were having

an affair. When your mom found out, what like, or when your

parents found out, what was that like? And did you get any apologies?

You know yeah. Yeah. I mean, we have I have totally

reconciled with my family over so many things. I put them through absolute

hell after all of that. Like, my like, I got very deep

in a bottle. It was really bad for my family.

I can't fault my parents for their level of understanding

of the situation. But, when they found out,

then they really see, this is where I I

failed and learned a number of times throughout my divorce and through

navigating that super volatile relationship. Like,

are we family? Aren't we family? How does this all work?

Like, they really took my lead. So at first, it

was like they were pissed. Like, especially my dad. Like, he

was very mad on my behalf, and I welled

that in them. I was like, no. No. No. We're not gonna be angry.

Even though inside Blair, I was I was

ablaze with anger. But for my

kid's sake, I was trying so hard not to show that publicly

and try to include him in family functions still.

Like, for all the years right after that, like, he still came to my family's

Christmas. Like, he has a pretty small family, and I have a pretty big family.

And so, like, my family was his family. But then it got to the point

where when I started dating, things got

harder because, like, he wanted me to be happy, but it was really hard

for him to see me happy with someone else. Like, I want you to be

happy, but not with anybody else. Like and he very much admitted

at one point, kinda during our reconciliation, that he

really just wanted his cake and eat it too. He's like, I'm not gonna lie.

I miss the family unit. I miss doing homework together with the kids and

having dinners, but I also wanna go be a gay guy. And I'm like, well,

I'm really sorry for you, but I can't live like that. Yeah.

But, but yeah. So it was,

it was good to reconcile that. It's

I'm thank you. Thank you for

showing up on this podcast and sharing that. I

didn't know if we were what we were gonna go deep on. And I'm alright.

I think well, I know that you're not you're not alone in this,

and there's people listening to this that know someone going through something

similar or maybe they're going through something similar. And by

you sharing, it's such a gift.

Yeah. You know? We did get to dive into all your health and and, you

know, like, I love that we're both sober and you know? I guess what we're

gonna have to do is tell our listeners to just basically, like, dive into your

world. All your links are in the show notes. Go read the book if you

wanna know the whole story. The the bottom line is is that every

person in Blair's universe that she has so

beautifully created with this book, with this podcast, with with this whole community

is showing up for people in a way that is not shameful and smashing the

stigmas of all the bullshit that we've been through, whether it's addiction or health

crisis or managing relationships or divorces or

bankruptcy or whatever the shit is that we go through, it's it's my

deep responsibility to stand up and say me too, but it doesn't have to stay

that way. Let us guide you. Let us guide each other. That's what this

human experience is about. Like, if we don't have that and we can't be vulnerable

with each other and help each other, then what the hell are we here for?

Right. And you know what? I think that's so important because, you know, we're not

meant to go through it alone. Like, we're meant to heal in community,

and it's not like, we're not, like, stiffer wives or, like, we're not

in Pleasantville or whatever. Right? Like Right. You know, there is the

duality of the good and the bad, and you don't necessarily need to be like,

Amy Ryan, like, show up on a podcast and be like, hey. Like, everyone died.

My husband is gay. Yeah. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. You know? But

your neighbor, you know, showing up at your church or at your

neighborhood or at the park for another mom. Like, just like Exactly.

We did it. Right? It doesn't have to be so public, but, like, we are

not okay. And, like, you might have might have stories that or

things you've gone through that you've never really shared, and that's completely fine. But if

you see someone going through something similar to what you went through, reach

out to them because these things are hard. Like,

navigating this shit is hard. Like, there's no, like,

rule book. Like, I when I this is different. Like, my husband

is not gay. I I don't I'm Shane, I don't think you are.

So I don't know. But, like, an example of, like, not knowing what to do

is, like, people like, when I I got pregnant, I

couldn't get pregnant. I didn't no one talks about how hard it is to get

pregnant from some people. And then no one talks about, like, how hard it is

to stay pregnant. And so, like, fertility challenge wasn't on my

mind. Miscarriage wasn't on my mind. And so when I got pregnant and

then miscarried, I didn't know how to do that and run a business. And I

went to Google, and I couldn't find anything. So I wrote an article with, like,

my findings on, like, what I did. But, like, there really isn't

a manual or or, you know, maybe there's a a LinkedIn article or something that

someone wrote like me.

But by sharing these stories,

we often can find the strength and the tools and the hope

to apply them to our situations that we're trying to bounce forward

from. That's right. And I have found at least the

truth for me was when when things got hard

because I was the strong person in my family, in my community,

in my job, in all these places, I felt so weak that what I did

was retreat. And like you said, we're meant to heal in community, and I had

zero community. Yeah. And it took an outsider

reaching out to me as I told him my story that that finally started that

heal together, and I'm so grateful that you have brought together this

group of people. Now for the 2nd time and I can't imagine how many

volumes going forward there will be, but it's meaningful. It's it's

meaningful work. Aw. Thank you. Thanks, Amy.

Just such a love bubble. I know. So,

yeah, so Amy's links are in the show notes. I feel like we're gonna have

to have you back to talk about some other things. I mean, I just love

chatting with you whether it's recorded or not, and,

you know, it's an honor to have you as part of our community. And I

guess I need to come to Oklahoma because there's so many phenomenal people down there

and a lot of people. Yeah. So,

you have something you're giving away. I know this isn't a marketing podcast, but because

I love your humor, and I think the gift is, like, quite fitting. It's

it's, what what is it? Something about let me I'm just trying to find it.

Oh, here it is. You're giving away a personal

branding Canva template to help you get your own message out on social

media using professional looking memes. So I think this

is applicable to anyone who uses social media and not just people in business.

Because, like, who doesn't love a meme? Who doesn't

love turning, you know, something a little serious and

a little, like, blase or a little, you know,

boring or just anything into something funny.

Right? That's right. Yeah. I love it. That's in the show notes. So so get

her little meme template. I love it. I go through phases where I try and

make memes that I have to, like if I'm in, like, a funny phase, my

sister and I will sit down, and we'll bang out a bunch of memes. I

go through it. But, you know, humor wins all. People wanna be

edutained. Right? People, like, turn in the darkness. Like, look at us. We're talking about

such heavy stuff, and we're able to crack some jokes. You have to.

Yeah. You have to. Yeah. No. Definitely. Okay. So as

we wrap up, do like, if someone's

listening to this and they're they're in a similar situation where they're learning their partner

maybe into, you know, the as the same gender

or a different gender than, you know, who they currently are,

and they haven't had that conversation yet. And they're

wanting to have that conversation in the car when they're both

facing forward driving home from their last from their divorce trip.

Yeah. Yeah. Or anyone else who's, you know, thinking

that their their partner may be, you know, LGBTQ

plus and haven't admitted it and that their marriage or the

relationship's gonna have to shift. Like, what's your advice for someone who's wanting to

have that conversation? Yeah. I think

that, you know, my theme

for the last couple of years, and this has not ever

it it's not ever served me in a in a wrong way, is just to

approach it with love and try

really, really hard not to place a lot of blame. Find

where your responsibility is and everything and your

responsibility to the person that you love because you did make that vow to

love them. Mhmm. And ask questions in a loving and

open way and just give them the space, to talk

it out and and be open

be open to the options. You know? We even my ex and I talked

about staying together, having an open relationship, divorcing, and getting a

bigger house. I mean, we really we explored everything, and, ultimately, I think we both

knew that the answer was gonna be complete divorce and separation. But just the fact

that he he knew that there was a trusted path forward, that I wasn't

gonna break his confidence, and that I did love him even though I

was very angry, and it took me years to get over that. It was we

were able to navigate it well just because I approached it with love.

So beautiful. Approach it with love.

Approach it with hard when you wanna choke them. Yeah.

And I think it's not about blame. Right? Like, it's Right. It's

about having that conversation. Mhmm. And I'm sure

if you are in this situation and you wanna chat with Amy, I'm

sure she she Absolutely. Yeah. Check me on my DMs. Check me

on my DMs. Just it always, you know, it always helps when you can approach

it with love and truly put yourself in someone else's

shoes. And when I really did that and thought, okay. I'm a 16 year old

what are my options? Give me a break. You know? And that really it

helped. It didn't it wasn't perfect, but but loving

love love always wins. Yeah. Love empathy, really. And,

you know, that's for, like, any situation. You know, approaching everything

with love and understanding and empathy, it's definitely, like, changed the

lens on how I look at situations and how I respond when someone,

you know, triggers me. So Yeah. I think Yeah. That's that's

advice. Well, thank you so much for joining us on Resilient AF.

It's my pleasure. And thank you to everyone who tuned in for another

episode. Thank you for spending some time with me and Amy.

We really appreciate you. You know, life is full of ups and downs,

left and rights, you know, hard conversations in the car

and beyond. Just know that you're not alone, and it's okay to

not be okay. Let us be that lighthouse in the storm and

res remember. Remember.

I'm tongue twisted. Remember, friends, you are resilient

AF.