Which is Worse? | 005

Welcome back to another episode of Resilient AF with Blair and

Alana. And guess what? We are both here. Hi.

Yeah. Hello. We we just tried to record something else, but we

have the sillies. We got the giggles. And, you know, it's

funny because I was like, Alana, come on. Pull it together because she had the

giggles. And she's like, blur, I haven't had the giggles in a long time.

Let me be. It's true. I needed the

giggles. Yeah. Sometimes we just need the giggles.

You know, I was talking to

someone the other day about something that you and I fight about,

and they're like, you should podcast about it. And

What do we fight about? Who's gonna die first?

Oh, me. Me. No.

I I think we should have a pact and do

it. I'm dying first. Let's start at the exact same time.

Yeah. And then we'll have no executor of our estate. I

have no estate, so it's fine. But, yeah,

like, Alana and I, like, I just like, I

know that life is there's still gonna be more deaths in

my life. Like, it's just inevitable. We have lots of family, but Alana and I

joke because I'm always telling her like, oh, man. I just hope I die before

you. And she's like, you can't. That's not how it works.

I mean, it does technically because, like, you're older, but, like,

no. You know?

We're dying at the same time or I'm first. And, you

know, it's interesting because the reason it's so funny because, like, for us,

talking about death is like talking about breath or the weather. Like, it's it's a

real fact. And talking about breath.

Breath. You know, breathing.

The sillies. Sorry.

Sorry, folks. This it's a

it's a Monday night, and the sillies are silly. We were

supposed to do this yesterday.

Yeah. But I was dizzy. I couldn't sit

up. I had a real bad case of the dizzies

yesterday. I bet I wouldn't have had the sillies yesterday.

Which is worse, the sillies or the dizzies. Had the dizzies, and you drove halfway

you drove across the city to see someone that's in the hospital.

I know. And so you're sitting with

this person eating an orange, hoping the disease go away, and you're like,

Blair, like, I think we need to reschedule. And then you made it

home. Yeah. The disease did not go away, but I made it home.

Well, I figured I needed to go visit I wanted to go visit this person.

And I was like, okay. Well, if I'm dizzy and something happens, at least

I'm in the right place. Yeah. I mean, hero for

driving an hour in total to that person, dizzy. But

yeah. So Sunday dizzy is equal Monday sillies. But Yeah.

What we're what I was talking about is so death is, like, a matter of

fact. And, like, some people just avoid the conversation, but, like,

it's part of my life, and it's definitely part of your life because, well, the

work you do and the work I do and, like, everyone in our life died

or will die. And Mhmm. And it's so interesting because, like, I do talk

about Shane, my husband. And, like like,

I don't want anyone to die, but he's 9 years older than me. He's type

1 diabetic. He has a bad heart. And so I don't talk about it

all the time, but sometimes in a conversation, I may bring up matter of fact

of, like, maybe, you know, one day, you

know, when when Shane dies, I'll move back to Winnipeg, or, like, I'll

sell that. And we just I talk about the matter of fact of it. And

it really catches people off guard. Mhmm. Because

they're like, don't talk like that. I'm like, but it's talk like what? Like,

ideally, an ideal world would die before everyone. But,

like, if not, you know, this is what's

going to happen because Shane and I even talk about it because one day,

I was saying to him so we live in British Columbia, and, like, I'd like

to somehow eventually end up back in Manitoba with my friends and family. And right

now, we live with, you know, close to Shane's friends and family. And one day,

I said to Shane, like, Shane, I think I wanna get another property in

Winnipeg. He's like, well, why? I'm like, so when you die, I have somewhere to

go. He's like, well, when I die, you sell the house in Kamloops, and

then you buy something in Winnipeg. And I've shared this with a few people, and

they're just kind of like, why do you even talk like that? And, like, it's

because it it's gonna happen. Like, you can't just ignore death.

Yeah. It's going to happen to everyone, and I

honestly think by not talking about it, people are doing a disservice

to their loved ones. Yeah. A 100%.

So, you know, it to me, it's just really interesting

because, like, I know I'm doing what I can to normalize the

conversation about loss and death and, like, grief And,

you know, being in the space as a grief and resilience

coach, I talk about it all the time.

Mhmm. And it must be really interesting for you, Alana, because now you're working in,

like, the palliative hospice world. Yeah.

I mean, it comes up multiple times a day.

It's it's like, oh, what did you eat for breakfast?

So you're dying soon. How's your breath? How's your

breath? It's not actually like that, but, you know, it's very

different than the work I previously did where I was working with children and

families and talking about various

mental health things. And and those for sure come up too.

But the conversations I'm having are very matter of fact

because the end is near for

these folks and for their loved ones. And

by avoiding it, it's not gonna make it go away.

No. And, inevitably, like, we're all going to die. Like,

it's like the great equalizer. Trauma, grief, like, death, like, no

one makes it out alive. And I think that's the one

thing that going into, like, our our mom's death

Like, it's so interesting because you and I had such different experiences because

when mom died, you said to me, Blair, that was my worst nightmare. I'm like,

what was? And you said, mom dying. Where in my head, mom was never

going to die because Baba Ruthie, our mom's mom,

lived to be 90 something. And her diet was

chicken fingers and Chinese food. I'm pretty sure she never drank water. And

at one point, probably smoked like a chimney. Mhmm. And

she had, like, a bad heart. Yeah. Like, she just wasn't healthy, but she lived

to be, like, 90 something. And so in my head, that's what our mom

was going to do. And so not once did I think when mom dies

are being worried when you know, that she was going to die.

It's interesting because, yes, that was my biggest fear and

worst nightmare. Yet, when before

it happened, like, before we found out that she was palliating

and dying, I didn't even consider that as an

option. Oh, and I saw it. And I was like, Alana, mom's

gonna die. And you're like, no. I'm like, I

see this happening. Yeah. I was in denial.

Denial is not just a river in Egypt. It was also

the experience. I experienced You know, it's it's

interesting because, like, a lot most of my friends' parents are still with

us, both of them. I have very few orphaned friends.

And I don't know. Do you, Lana? I know a lot of your friends have

lost parents. A lot of my friends have lost a parent. I

believe I am the only orphaned

one, but there's something in the water in my friend group

because the majority of us have lost a parent.

And so it's interesting because I'll never forget. Like, our mom was

very organized and loved making notes upon notes. And, like, when she was

dying, she's like, under like, here is all the accounts

and the passwords and everything you need is here. And

I I would say, like, you know, I have some friends with aging parents

or parents, you know, who are sick. And, you know, sometimes

I say to them, like, make sure now while they're still, like, able to, like,

break down all their social media and, like, account passwords. Get the

phone numbers for places they have insurance policies and then the numbers

and the contact info. Our mom made

her dying a little easier for us for her with her level of organization.

And I'll never forget sitting in TD Bank trying to close her

accounts, and the bank dude was like, your mom is

the most organized person. Like, I walked in with a

piece of paper saying these are her accounts. We need to close them,

where, normally, it's like a treasure hunt. Yeah.

Like our dad. It was a treasure hunt that we never started.

With our dad? Yeah. Wait. Was there any treasure? I don't know.

We never started it. Oh, yes. Our parents

both our parents dying were very different experiences. Yeah. You

know, it's it's interesting because I'm thinking lots about it. And it's

not because of the work we do, but it's because of the book you recommended

to me. Oh, the in between?

I I love it. Yeah. I'm listening to it, and

Hadley, I want to be her friend. Let's talk about

it. Yeah. So the book, The In

Between, is about a hospice nurse in

Florida, then I think eventually Mississippi or maybe she moved to Mississippi

after she wrote the book. Might not even be Mississippi, but somewhere.

Anyways, she talks about her experiences

as a hospice nurse. So

hospice is similar to palliative in Canada. So when you're enrolled

in a program, it usually means you're dying

within a certain time frame. And so nurses will go out to

visit depending on the needs

and severity. So sometimes a nurse visit, at least where

I work, it's once every 2 weeks. Sometimes it's every day,

twice a week, depending on what the need is. And so

Hadley talks about all the lessons she's learned

from the different folks she's met in this program in not the

program, but essentially in her work and how she

got into the work in the 1st place and how I

mean, she's seen many more folks that than

she writes about, but there's a really

few poignant is that the word? Stories. I

don't wanna spoil it. She basically yeah. She

basically shares the way the book is broken out is every chapter

is the some of the like, some lesson she's learned from a specific

patient. And the way she tells the story

of this person's last chapter and her experience with them

is so moving and beautiful, and there's so many

lessons in each of these chapters. Mhmm. And I find

it really profound because, first of all, what a gift it is

to be with someone during their last season.

Mhmm. Yeah.

And she also goes

through her own grief as well

within in this book. And, Blair, have you gotten to the chapter

about Albert yet? I have an

hour and a half left. So far? Think so.

Oh. Maybe? Maybe. I don't even know if that's his

name. Okay. So then maybe not.

Have you gotten to the chapter of Leonard?

Leonard is like Albert. I don't know. I can't remember. It's

Is it The work that Hadley does is very similar to the work I do,

except I'm not a nurse. I'm not so on the front line every day

that the wonderful nurses I work with are. So I only get a

slice of the pie that Hadley talks about.

It's just a wonderful story about seeing that

in between place of, like, yeah, knowing you're dying. I think it's just

a great book for everyone to listen to or read, but

she reads it. Because I think it

shows it's a good glimpse into what the end of life potentially could

be. And I think it takes away a lot of the fear

behind it. I mean, it's interesting, like, are you scared of

death? No.

Well, it depends when. Like,

I I I don't want to leave.

Well, I know I'm dying before you, but aside from

that, like, I don't wanna leave, like,

any animals. So you're scared to die before

your cat? Yeah. But not before me. No.

I'm glad I I'm glad that you're not scared to leave me.

I'm scared for you to leave me, but I'm not scared for the other way

around. I am scared to leave Molly, and I'm scared from when the time

comes that Molly will leave. Molly the cat, by the way. Molly

the cat. My sweet little Yeah. Pet death is the worst. It's interesting,

like, I was doing I was in a training, and we were talking about,

like, fears around death and dying. And

the actual act of dying. Like, I sure hope it's, like, quick and, like, in

my sleep and painless, but

my fear around it is not fully living my

life. Interesting. Yeah.

And it's not and, like, I am

fully living my life. Like, I have a list of things I wanna accomplish and

do. And I know that I I've I I know that I've tried to build

a life that I don't wanna retire from, but I also wanna build a life

that like, in a legacy that I've if something were to happen to me tomorrow,

I'm still proud of everything I've accomplished. And I could proudly

say I am, but there's still so much I want to do. Like, even just

like I wanna travel to Bali. Maybe I do that next November. I think

maybe that's what I'll do. And, you know, there's just, like, things I wanna do

that I haven't done yet, and I don't want I don't wanna

die not doing these things because there's such a big world to

see. And I wanna see see things and experience things. And I've already

done a lot more than the average person when it comes to, you know, like,

I'm about to we're about to publish our 3rd book,

my 4th book, and we're working on 2 more books. Like, that's pretty epic, and

I'm not even 40 yet. You know? Career wise, I feel like I've

accomplished a lot, and I've definitely made an impact. But I

wanna see more, do more, and experience more.

You know? And if I got some sort of diagnosis or

tomorrow would be the end, I'd be really upset not because it was the end,

but because I didn't do a lot of the things on my list.

Yeah. That's very fair. I

yeah. And I'm dying before you, so you can finish my list.

No. It's not happening. Hey, listeners.

Do you wanna take a bet on who's gonna die first?

Oh, I was gonna just make a joke, but I'm not gonna do it.

Okay. Yeah. No. That's interesting about, like,

things that yeah. It's like there's things I want or places I

wanna go to. And at the same time,

like, if I didn't get to go to them, because I would like, say

I were to have something that wouldn't let me do that.

I don't know. There's always next life. Oh my god. No.

No. I only want life. So hard. This one is This was a very hard

life. I'm coming back as a as a house cat for a

my lines. Well, I also wanna come back as a house cat

for a rich a rich, woman. A

childless woman? Yeah. I don't I don't wanna be a I don't

wanna live as a cat with a kid. No. They're terrible

to they can be terrible to to cats. Yeah. I I

think, like, for me, like, if I got a diagnosis where it was terminal

and I was able to, I would do what

I can on that list. Yeah. Like,

I, like, I want how have I never been to Australia, New Zealand,

and Bali? Like like, how how come? I mean, besides the pandemic

and, like, grief, like, that's, like, half a decade right there that I'd never

you know, that time. That's why. That's why. So now we're doing

it. And, you know, I I'm just I think what I'm gonna do is

I mean, there's stuff on my bucket list. Like, I crushed a couple things this

year. Like, I I hiked the West Coast Trail, which was bananas, like,

a 100 kilometer hike for 7 days. And I did a TED

Talk, and that's 2 bucket list things I did this year. And that's actually pretty

good, 2 things in a year. Yeah. It's pretty impressive. And I think I'm gonna

try and I mean, Shane doesn't know this yet, but maybe he's listening to us

record. But I think because November's kind of a really hard month.

It's sad and gloomy, and it's, like, also just sad. It's a

sad month for me. I think I'm gonna maybe go

to Bali next November. Do

it. Okay. I'm gonna maybe go to BravoCon

next November. Very different.

Yeah. Potato, potato. Bali, bravo con. BravoCon.

Koana sponsors. Oh my god. BravoCon. Yeah. I

mean, like but yeah. So I think I think this might be a good place

to wrap up. Like, if you are listening and and, you know, this

resonates at all well, you wanna say something? We started talking about

this because we were talk gonna talk about

the game we play. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. The sillies gave me momentarily amnesia.

So, Lana, let's wrap up with the game. Okay. And let's do we could do,

like, a lightning round. Okay. So Okay. So you explain the game.

You okay. I'll explain the game. You explain the game. So

Alana and I have this game we play,

which is which is worse, blank or

mom dying? And it really helps put into perspective

our complaints. Mhmm. And while everyone

has valid complaints, it's still better

than your mom died. Yeah. But, also, this is just for me and Alana. Like,

it's not just for us. Yeah. So, like, don't

it's okay if you take offense because that's how you feel.

Just know that this is just between us. And, also, like, now you to be

considered. We expect our our mom dying is not gonna impact you as much

as it impacted us. Yes. Like, to be fair.

So and it's interesting because I on the West Coast

Trail, I wanted to quit

a couple hours in. I was climbing up this ladder with this 40 pound bag.

I'm like, what am I fucking doing? This is so incredibly

physically hard and hard like, I felt like it was

impossible. And then I was, like, taking a break, you know,

basically, 90 degrees, like, resting on the ladder because I had to because I couldn't

breathe, and I was like, oh, suck it up. Like, you buried your mom.

And then I got through. I didn't I didn't feel like I wanted to quit

ever again. But, yeah, Alana, I do this game. Like, Alana hit

had a bump in the road, and we talked about it. Which was worse, the

experience of that or mom dying?

Mom dying. 100%. Really bad traffic

day the other day. I was really frustrated. Which is

worse? This traffic or mom dying?

Mom dying. Mom dying. Which is worse? Giving your sister an enema or

mom dying? Mom

died. Die. It's a tie. Mom died. We never

talked about I don't know if people know about this. What's that's for another time.

Okay. We'll leave it to your imagination. You have no idea what happened.

Yeah. Falling through a shelf while doing a lipstick

reno on your bathroom and having to go to the ER or mom dying?

Mom dying. Mom dying. Honestly, I can't really

think of too much that has happened

even even my miscarriage or even dad dying. Like

Yeah. Nothing is worse than that experience. And it wasn't like that

physical death of mom. It was everything around that situation. Yeah. The physical

death was quite peaceful, actually, but everything else sucked.

K. Let's keep going. Let's do a couple more, which is worse. Which is

worse. Going on a date with someone with super bad breath and bad

teeth and plaque and him kissing you, or mom dying?

Mom dying, which is worse. Being starving,

ordering a meal off of a food delivery

service, and then it not only

coming an hour late, but it was the wrong order.

Oh, mom dying. K. Which is worse?

A shard and white pants in an important meeting or mom dying?

Mom dying. Oh, I got one. K. And this is it. Life experiences.

Which is worse? Puking on yourself in public

transit or mom dying? You just

wanna say it wasn't me who did that. It was me.

I was not. Alana, which is worse, puking on yourself in public

transit or mom dying.

Mom dying, for sure. I mean, it was bad, but

Mom dying was worse. But mom dying was worse because that was

temporary. And that is a good message. It's, like,

everything is temporary except mom dying. Yeah. Except

for when someone dies that that's permanent, the death. Yeah.

So thank you to everyone who tuned in for another episode

with me and Alana of Resilient AF with Blair and Alana.

You laughed. You giggled. You cried. We talked about death.

Talk about death. We went all over the place today. But, you know what? It

was great. Little griefy gals riff is all about. So thank you for

tuning in to another episode. You know, it's okay to

not be okay. It's okay to take a break because you have the sillies

and the gigglies. You know? Sometimes you just gotta lean into it because

it feels so, so good. And, you know, just know that it's okay to

not be okay. Like, you're not alone. You have me. You have Lana. You have

our community, the Global Resilience Project.

And, friends, remember, you are

resilient AF. Bye.