This past weekend, I spent over eight hours in the car driving, and there is nothing better than listening to an inspirational audiobook to pass the time. I started and finished “Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy,” a book by Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook’s COO, and psychologist Adam Grant. It explores how people can recover and thrive after experiencing significant loss or trauma. Written in the aftermath of Sandberg’s husband’s sudden death, the book combines her personal journey with Grant’s expertise in psychology. Together, they share insights into resilience, emphasizing that while life may not go as planned (Option A), we can find strength and purpose in Option B.
The book is structured around key themes, including acknowledging grief, accepting support, and embracing vulnerability. It also examines resilience strategies for families, communities, and workplaces, providing practical advice on how individuals and groups can foster an environment of support and understanding. With a mix of personal stories, research-backed methods, and actionable steps, “Option B” encourages readers to face life’s setbacks with compassion, adaptability, and hope.
One concept in the book that stood out to me is the “3 Ps Model of Resilience,” and I felt compelled to share it with you.
Life’s inevitable challenges test our capacity to endure, adapt, and ultimately overcome. Resilience—a quality that enables us to face adversity—grows from strength and understanding of how we emotionally process hardship. Dr. Martin Seligman, a leading psychologist in the field of positive psychology, introduced the concept of the “3 Ps”: Personalization, Pervasiveness, and Permanence. These refer to three common reactions to adversity that shape our responses and, ultimately, our resilience. Recognizing and working through these reactions allows us to build resilience more consciously and effectively.
Personalization: It’s Not All About You
When faced with challenges, it’s natural to wonder, “What could I have done differently?” This instinct to internalize difficult situations is known as personalization. While it’s understandable, this mindset can sometimes create an inaccurate picture and weigh us down with unnecessary pressure.
Take, for instance, someone who is unexpectedly laid off. It’s easy to think, “I must not be good enough,” or “I caused this.” While a bit of self-reflection can be helpful, letting excessive personalization take over can lead to feelings of guilt and shame, draining our energy and making it harder to move forward. It’s vital to remember that many external factors, like economic fluctuations or organizational changes, often play a significant role in such situations.
The goal is to strive to detach our self-worth from our experiences to foster resilience. A powerful way to shift our perspective is to ask ourselves questions like, “What external factors might have influenced this outcome?” or “What strengths do I possess that remain unchanged despite this setback?” Adjusting our viewpoint can cultivate a more balanced and empowering understanding of ourselves and our circumstances.
Embracing this approach not only boosts our confidence but also encourages optimism and curiosity about the future. Remember, every challenge is an opportunity for growth and learning!
Building Resilience Through Detachment:
- Remember that external outcomes don’t solely define self-worth.
- Reframe setbacks by recognizing external factors that may have contributed.
- Practice self-compassion to maintain confidence and avoid self-blame.
Pervasiveness: Not Everything Is Related
Pervasiveness reflects our tendency to let negative experiences spill over into unrelated areas of our lives. When something goes wrong in one part of our lives, we might catastrophize, feeling as though our entire world is collapsing. This is especially common when we’re already stressed, and it can magnify minor setbacks into feelings of complete disarray.
Consider someone experiencing difficulty in a personal relationship. If they believe that this failure reflects poorly on their ability to maintain any type of relationship, whether with friends, family, or colleagues, the result is a pervasive negative outlook. It’s easy for thoughts like, “Nothing in my life is going right,” to take over. This mindset is harmful and blurs our capacity to see the many positive, unaffected areas of our lives.
To counteract pervasiveness, we need to compartmentalize our experiences. Resilience is cultivated by isolating adverse events and recognizing them for what they are: isolated incidents rather than life-defining moments. This approach helps us keep challenges in perspective and prevents them from contaminating unrelated aspects of our lives. If we can learn to see each challenge within its boundaries, we create space for positivity in other areas, providing us with a balanced sense of control and optimism.
Building Resilience Through Compartmentalization:
- Focus on the specific areas affected by adversity without generalizing.
- Reflect on the parts of life that are still stable and thriving.
- Acknowledge and celebrate small victories to create a balanced perspective.
Permanence: This Too Shall Pass
Permanence refers to our tendency to see challenges as lasting forever rather than recognizing them as temporary. This response can be particularly damaging because it traps us in a mental state where we feel powerless, assuming that negative events are immovable and will always affect us. This can create a cycle of hopelessness; every setback feels like a permanent roadblock.
For instance, after a significant financial setback, someone might feel that they’ll never be able to recover, assuming that they’ll always struggle. Most challenges are temporary and can be addressed or minimized over time. The ability to view adversity as fleeting rather than fixed is critical to resilience. By doing so, we can hold onto the hope that circumstances will change and empower ourselves to take steps toward a better future.
To counteract the illusion of permanence, remind yourself of previous challenges that you’ve overcome. Reflecting on past resilience can be a powerful motivator, helping you recognize that you have faced tough situations before and prevailed. Practicing mindfulness can also be beneficial, as it encourages us to live in the present rather than fixating on a future that we imagine to be stagnant.
Building Resilience Through Hope and Mindfulness:
- Remember that most challenges are temporary and will likely pass with time.
- Reflect on past hardships you’ve overcome to build confidence in your resilience.
- Practice mindfulness to stay grounded in the present moment.
Developing Resilience by Reframing the 3 Ps
Resilience is not a fixed trait but rather a skill we can nurture and develop over time. Understanding and addressing these three Ps – personalization, pervasiveness, and permanence – is a transformative process that empowers us to face life’s challenges with a sense of optimism and control. By managing our responses to adversity, we create a mental foundation for resilience that allows us to navigate hardships while maintaining balance and hope.
Resilience is about adaptation, growth and bouncing forward, not just survival. Every challenge allows us to learn about ourselves, refine our coping mechanisms, and emerge stronger. Through consistent practice, the 3 Ps can shift from being barriers to resilience into essential pillars that support it. By detaching from unnecessary self-blame, compartmentalizing challenges, and trusting in the temporary nature of hardship, we open ourselves up to a life filled with more resilience, adaptability, and enduring strength.
The next time you encounter adversity, try consciously addressing the 3 Ps. It may not make the challenge easier, but it will equip you with the tools to approach it from a place of strength. This will ultimately transform obstacles into stepping stones while helping you strengthen your resilience muscle.
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About Blair
Blair Kaplan Venables is a British Columbia-based grief and resilience expert and coach, motivational speaker and the Founder of The Global Resilience Project. Her expertise has been featured in media outlets, including Forbes, TEDx, CBC Radio, Entrepreneur, and Thrive Global. She is named the Top Grief and Resilience Expert of the Year 2024 by IAOTP. USA Today listed Blair as one of the top 10 conscious female leaders to watch and she empowers others to be resilient from stages around the world. ‘MyStory,’ which is a television show available on Amazon Prime Video, Apple TV+ and Google Play, showcases Blair’s life story. She is the host of the Radical Resilience podcast and specializes in helping people strengthen their resilience muscle using scientifically proven methods and guides grieving high performers with her Navigating Grief Framework. The Global Resilience Project’s award-winning book series are international bestsellers, and her fourth book, RESILIENT A.F.: Stories of Resilience Vol 2, will be published in January 2025. In her free time, you can find Blair writing, in nature, travelling the world and helping people to strengthen their resilience muscles.
